Tag: humor

Season 8 – 24 – 7 am to 8 am


Previously on “24”, just happened! Pay attention!

The following takes place between 7 am and 8 am.

7:00 am – At CTU, Dana continues to not be at her desk, and tries to leave. Dana gets stopped by a guard, and doesn’t know about the new security protocol that keeps people in CTU from leaving. The guard is really excited, because he hopes that one day they’ll also have a security protocol for keeping people from entering CTU too. Dana tries to tell him that she has some migraine medicine in her car that she’ll be willing to share with everyone, including everyone in the audience, if she can just go to her car. The guard tells her that he’s really into this whole “security” thing, but he’ll send a guard out for her. Dana decides that since she doesn’t have anything with her to kill them, she’ll take her chances and stay in CTU. She heads back to somewhere, but probably not back to her desk.

7:01 am – Chloe finds the car that left the parking garage, has a picture of the blonde woman, but doesn’t have any idea where she went. Mrs. President calls for Hastings. He tells her that Hasan was not in the vehicle that crashed. She says, “I don’t understand”. Hastings translates this into seven different languages and finally, after speaking English really slowly, Mrs. President gets the idea of what happened and that he’s still alive. Hastings tells her that they’ll keep her apprised. She tell him that’s great because she loves prizes.

7:03 am – Mrs. President explains to the Hasan Ladies that Omar is probably still alive, but in big trouble, so they’re welcome to hang around while they are still looking for him. An aide comes into the room and tells Mrs. President that the Russian foreign minister is here to meet with her, even though it’s 7:00 am in the morning. He apologizes for not being able to figure out all the time differences between Russia and the US. He has decided to do everything on Russian time, which makes it hard to get doctor’s appointments at decent hours that he’s used to. His name is Mr. Novakovich, which is the name that Carl Sagan used for his old PBS show when it ran in the Soviet Union.

She informs him that CTU is working on getting Hasan back. He wants to make it clear to her that if Hasan dies, there will be no agreement. She points out that just because he has a funny, long last name doesn’t mean she’s been baffled into thinking that the Russian’s hope the agreement doesn’t happen. She’s pretty sure that they want all of the Russian version of the Chucky Cheese (Chucka Cheezka) franchises to be under their control. He protests, and she backs off. She says she’s pretty sure that they only want part of the Chucka Cheezka market in Hasan’s fictional country.

Continue reading “Season 8 – 24 – 7 am to 8 am”

Season 8 – 24 – 6 am to 7 am

Previously on “24”, we learned: Mrs. President has advisers that think they can help by saying “Are you kidding me?”; Jack can get cell phone reception everywhere except in ambush situations; When Hasan hears gunfire, he’s believes he can turn into Jack Bauer; Holding nuclear rods in your bare hands isn’t as scary as it sounds; You should never have a heart attack in front of people who are stealing files from your computer.

The following takes place between 6 am and 7 am:

6:00 am – Ethan is still sleeping off that heart attack. Just to be sure he stays in his room so he can’t contact anyone, Rob locks him in. Rob’s pretty sure Ethan is old enough not to be able to figure out the telephone, fax machine, and computer, so there’s little chance Ethan will be able to contact anyone.

6:01 am – Rob meets with the General, who’s really in high gear since he’s ordering people around that actually listen to him. Rob wants to help Ethan, but The General refuses. Since the General is tall and looks like he’s in charge, Rob relents even though The General is clearly a moron.

The General calls Mrs. President over to give a not quite complete status update. Rob interjects that people are good at those connect-the-dot coloring books, so when they finish up page 10 and realize they’re looking at the a nuclear weapon, they’re going to freak out. They’ll probably color the picture first, but then they will DEFINITELY freak out.

Mrs. President wants to know the casualty figures. The General says that not counting the numbers of viewers they’ve lost this season, there will be about 58,000 less taxpayers in about 10 minutes.
Continue reading “Season 8 – 24 – 6 am to 7 am”

Season 8 – 24 – 5 am to 6 am

Previously on “24”, we discovered: It’s possible to have a twenty minute gunfight without actually shooting anyone; CTU has cases and cases of glowsticks available, just in case an EMP goes off; If you have HUGE airducts, it’s possible to fit bodies in them; Chloe is extremely serious about tech support; Dana is a mole, and not the “What? I can’t see?” kind – she’s the “the writers couldn’t think of anything else to do” kind.

The following takes place between 5:00 am and 6:00 am

5:00 am – Jack sits an ambulance with an attendant that just can’t believe Jack was able to ingest the bullets, spit them out and only appear to have minor bruising. Jack assures him this is because of his superior Bauer Powers.

As Jack leaves, he encounters Renee, who he tells to contact Chloe to get some pictures of the area. Renee was particularly helpful last hour when she ended a twenty minute gun fight with three bullets. Jack tells a helicopter to stand by, because he hasn’t quite determined whether he’s going to take it, or whether he’ll finally reveal his ability to fly.

5:01 am – At CTU, they’re looking at pictures from just moments ago. The pictures are of Samir hasand his gang unloading those nuclear rods into the trunk of a Yellow Cab. The last time someone put something radioactive in the back of a car like that, Emilo Estevez flew a car out of the area, so people are on the lookout, just in case.

While this is going on, Dana comes back, using one of those “I Just Killed a Guy” wipes, but nobody sees this; they’re too busy concentrating on the new terrorist scrapbook Chloe is making with all the pictures she’s downloading from the NSA.

Arlo of all people suspends his stalking duties, and announces he’s found the Yellow Cab they’re looking for, out of the one bazillion Yellow Cabs in the Greater New York area. Chloe points out that “Greater New York area” is an oxymoron, but no one notices.

Dana, who has the world’s loudest whisper, is secretly (kind of) on the phone with Samir and tells him that the cab has been spotted. She’s giving them turn by turn directions like a really twisted version of that lady who talks on a GPS. She uses a bit of her CTU Technology Kung Fu to change all the computers to a UHF channel, so they only show snow.

This gives Samir enough time to get away, by the time the video comes back. Hastings is really bent out of shape about this, and decides to tattletale on everyone for losing the cab. He goes off to call the President, who I’m sure would like to be informed that the only thing they have to do is search one bazillion Yellow Cabs.

Now that the coast is clear, Samir wants Dana to send him all the NYPD patrol patterns, including all the doughnut joints they hang out in. Dana is a little reluctant because including the doughnut places would increase the size of the file to about 37 Terabytes. He’s really insistent, and she very pointedly points out that that’s not the point. Her instructions, which were given to her by yet ANOTHER yet to be revealed mole, were to give Samir instructions, but not blow her cover.

5:06 am – Hastings calls Mrs. President with the bad news: “24” has been canceled, and this will be the last season it is on the air. Oh, and they lost the nuclear fuel rods. Ethan actually asks “Are you sure? How good is your intelligence?” Hastings shows remarkable self control by not answering, “Are you kidding me? We saw the things! We almost had them, but someone didn’t pay the cable bill and by the time it was restored, the rods went missing. So yeah, I’m pretty sure”. He says, “Yes”, instead.

Hastings announces that “Manhattan is no longer safe”. Everyone watching wonders, “Was it ever safe?” Rob blows a gasket and says, “This is unacceptable”, as if that would make everything better.

Mrs. President tells Hastings that they can have whatever they need, and to inform the local authorities, by which she means the local mafia bosses. She also wants to speak to Jack, as soon as possible.

5:08 am – Jack is on the phone with Cole discussing what happened to the video feed when he gets a call from Mrs. President. She wants him to escort Hasan instead of going after the terrorists, because being a body guard is much more important at this point. Renee, who has been anxious to meet Hasan, insists on going with, ruining Jack’s plan to get Hasan’s autograph for his Fictional Third World Leader collection.

5:09 am – Meanwhile, the cab pulls into the terrorist body shop where they make all kinds of weapons. The plan is to have Tarin drive the car with the nuclear device, as soon as Samir talks to Mrs. President. Tarin looks like he’s rethinking this whole “terrorist” career.

Commercial

5:14 am – Jack arrives to escort Hasan, and is informed that in the spirit of the “mole” theme this season, they’re going to go subterranean with Hasan, just in case any pesky nuclear weapons are detonated. They’re going to take him to the safety of New Jersey, so that should tell you how desperate the situation is.

5:15 am – Jack meets with Hasan. He tells them they’re headed to New Jersey in a tunnel, instead of that parade Hasan wants to take.

5:16 am – At a big meeting that Mrs. President is attending, a general really, REALLY wants to blow something up. The meeting is interrupted by someone telling Mrs. President that someone claiming to have the nuclear rods is calling. The Secret Service thinks this is credible because he said he “really really means it. The two “really”s are a dead giveaway. She takes the call on speaker.

Samir tells her that he has no desire to hurt anyone, but on the other hand he has a desire to hurt everyone. Hasan wants Mrs. President to hand over Hasan, or he’ll detonate the nuclear dispersal device to contaminate over 100,000 New Yorkers, some of whom will actually notice the difference. Samir gives her one hour.

After the call, they argue a bit about what to do. Rob wants to turn over Hasan. Ethan doesn’t think rolling Hasan over on his belly is going to make any difference whatsoever. He also thinks Rob is crazy for even suggesting it. Rob suggests that if the bomb goes off, it’ll make that part of Manhattan uninhabitable for over 100 years. He seems to think this is a big problem, and from the looks on everyone’s face, they don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s already been uninhabitable for the LAST 100 years.

Mrs. President isn’t very happy about the suggestion that Hasan be turned over. Besides, he’s a guest of hers, and she never, EVER treats her guests like that. If it were a member of congress, that would be a different story. She gives a rousing speech and says she’s not going to do it. You can tell it’s rousing because everyone roused out of their chairs while she spoke.

5:21 am – Back at CTU, Dana comes over to talk to Chloe to get the information about where all the police patrols are. It turns out that separating the donut location data is taking some time. Chloe notices that Dana takes a phone out of her pocket, but doesn’t say anything.

Dana calls Samir, and walks around in the corridors of CTU as if she calls terrorists all the time. Samir tells her that one way or another, the peace process will die.

And speaking of dying, everyone at the Terrorist Workshop is holding onto the rods with their BARE HANDS, not in the least bit worried about being exposed to radiation. If they were Jack Bauer, I could understand that, but they’re not. The chief terrorist engineer announces the device is ready.

5:23 am – Back at the meeting room, the General who wanted to bomb something to Kingdom Come talks to Rob. He thinks that Ethan made a good point about not turning over Hasan because it would look bad for the US. His plan is to turn over Hasan anyway, by accidentally leaving him on a street corner where any terrorist happening by could grab him. Rob loves this idea, but knows that Mrs. President will never go along with it. The General really, really wants to disobey Mrs. President, and wants to try and send his own team after Hasan. Apparently he hasn’t been informed that Jack Bauer is in charge of the escort detail.

Commercial

5:29 am – At CTU Chloe continues to work, and sends Dana the information she requested. Hastings takes this opportunity to make sure everyone stops what they’re doing to give a speech about using “every second of every minute we have left” to find the terrorists. Except those precious minutes he used to give this very slow speech.

Dana transfers the information to Samir.

5:30 am – Samir looks over the info and tells Tarin, who he’s on the phone with, and they can park in a particular area to have a lot of fallout damage occur on the Upper West side. Tarin looks pretty upset about this, because that’s where he gets all his bagels and Black and White cookies.

5:31 am – Back at Conspiracy Central, the General and Rob go to Ethan’s room where they can be alone. The General closes the drapes to be extra, extra sure nothing is suspicious. Rob informs him that Jack Bauer is on the security team. The general, who obviously hasn’t heard of Jack Bauer, thinks “Bauer and his team don’t stand a chance.”. I’m sure Jack will remind him of this sometime in the near future.

Rob accepts the USB memory stick the General offers and plugs it in. Just seconds later and in walks Ethan. Ethan immediately notices the USB memory stick and realizes they’re probably not trying to access America’s Funniest Terrorist Trackdowns on YouTube. He doesn’t say anything, but the general at least is on to him and blocks Ethan from leaving.

Ethan tries to use his automatic drape opener to open the drapes to his office so everyone can see them, but accidentally speed dials his phone. Fortunately, he speed dials Jack. The general grabs the phone and hangs up. Ethan thinks that the general and Rob are not going to be going to the nice white color prison they heard about on Office Space, but that other one.

Ethan begs Rob to reconsider and while Rob’s doing that, Ethan decides to have a heart attack. Rob tries to help Ethan, but the general just wants to wait. This pretty much shuts down any chance Rob has of getting a promotion this year.

5:36 am – In the underground tunnel, Jack phones Ethan and leaves some voice mail.

The General calls his guys, just to make sure he talks to them one last time before Jack takes them all out.

Ethan’s”Aaaargh! My Heart” voice mail message wasn’t replaced in time, so Jack has no idea about what’s happening, but he’s suspicious.

Commercial

5:41 am – Jack, Renee and everyone else arrive in the last part of the tunnel, which has a LOT of boxes. The general’s strike team waits for Jack to arrive, and discusses which positions their bodies will end up in when Jack kills them all.

5:42 am – Over in Ethan’s office, there’s a knock on the door. Rob answers it after making a land shark joke. The woman at the door is too young, so she doesn’t get it. She does however have Jack Bauer on line 1. Rob says he’ll handle the call.

Rob takes the call, and lies to Jack about Ethan. Jack really wants to talk to Ethan, and Rob tries to tell him that Ethan is super busy. Jack persists, and Rob tells him that Ethan is super-duper-duper busy, and then HANGS UP ON JACK. Jack makes a mental note to “hang up” on Rob.

Jack stops everyone, since he’s now very suspicious that something is very wrong. He tells Renee they’re head back to the UN. When the general’s strike team sees this, they decide to make their move and start shooting everything in sight. Jack tells Renee to take the Hasan family back to the UN, and he’ll be right behind them. Renee looks extremely disappointed that Jack’s about to take on the strike team, because she was looking forward to shooting someone. There’s a lot of shooting.
The lead agent tells Jack that she’ll take care of things, because this is just like paint ball back home. She tells Jack to stay with Hasan since that was what he was ordered to do, so he leaves.

The secret service agents who are clearly having a good time finally being able to shoot their machine guns try and take out as many of the strike team as possible.

While this is going on, Jack finally catches up with the Hasan group. Hasan actually stops and tells Jack that they need to help the agents. Apparently Hasan’s plan includes catching as many bullets with his body as possible. Jack realizes this is a stupid move and continues to evacuate Hasan back to the UN.

Commercial

5:51 am – Ethan is asleep on the coach, which is probably the best acting anyone has done this season.

Hasan is STILL arguing with Jack about going back and doing some shooting, which clearly proves he’s insane. Kayla takes this opportunity to sprain her ankle, which slows them down. Jack realizes they’re not going to make it back in time, so he finally gives Hasan a gun.

The plan is…well, we’re not sure what the plan is, but there’s about to be a lot of shooting.

Bullets and time pass.

And, a lot of shooting and smoke later, Jack, Renee and Hasan disable them all. Jack interrogates one of the guys, who explains that the general has been a very naughty boy. The guy actually wants Jack to take Hasan to the terrorists! Jack informs him that 1) He’s Jack Bauer and 2) He’s going to do what he wants to do, so there! Nah!

Jack says he needs better cell phone reception, and since there are no decompression chambers nearby, they’ll have to head outside to street level. They all leave, including the Hasan family.

5:58 am – Dana gets a phone call from Samir. Samir’s really not very happy right now. Dana tries to talk him out of using the bomb, but it doesn’t work.

Tarin gets a phone call and Samir tells him to start the countdown. Tarin starts reciting, “100 rods of fuel on the wall, 100 rods of fuel, take one down, blow it up, 99 rods of fuel on the wall.”

6:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: Jack gets hit! Hasan gives himself up! President Logan is back! Lots of shooting! Dana recites part of a nursery rhyme! A car drives off the top of a parking garage (does that mean they’re in Miami now?)

SEE YOU NEXT TIME!

Season 8 – 24 – 4 am to 5 am

Previously on “24”, we discovered: Someone’s been supplying some really, really bad body armor around in New York; Parole officers from the south are really through at their jobs, and know about things like “metadata”; If there’s a countdown timer going in the backseat, your first instinct should NOT be to get in the car; None of the equipment at CTU was hardened to withstand the blast of an EMP, except the camera that was filming “24”; It’s finally starting to dawn on someone that a secret location from CTU would be a good idea.

The following takes place between 4 am and 5 am:

4:00 am – Immediately after the explosion, armed CTU guards finally decide to show up from their hours long coffee break and diligently look through the rubble for something to shoot. Arlo has good news and bad news for Hastings. The bad news: The surveillance drones they’ve been using all over New York will go into auto-pilot mode, eventually run out of gas, and drop out of the sky. The good news: A large number of children will have an incredible show-and-tell tomorrow, using some really cool drones they found in their backyards.

Hastings goes to deal with Kayla. He tells Dana and Chloe to organize a meeting, which they had hoped to get out of, but even an EMP couldn’t stop that.

4:02 am – Jack is still in his car, and called someone named Phil at the NSA. He’s one of many Phil’s because that’s what everyone at the NSA is named. Jack asks Phil to look at all the traffic cameras in the area, and of course, they have access to those. Jack also wants Phil to shut down bridge and tunnel traffic into New York, which Phil agrees to do. Phil’s powers are pretty impressive. I wonder if Phil knows Chloe? Jack suspects they’re going to use the river to transport the rods.
Continue reading “Season 8 – 24 – 4 am to 5 am”

Season 8 – 24 – 3 am to 4 am


Previously on “24”, we learned: When Marcos gets mad, he really hits the ceiling; Dana is getting phone calls from Milton Waddams and he’s renamed himself “Pardy”; Stabbed, electrocuted, and even blown up – you just can’t stop Jack… He does have Marcos on his shoulder though.

The following takes place between 3:00 am and 4:00 am:

3:00 am – Hastings calls a meeting to describe the plot that we’ve already heard about several times. He gets Chloe and Dana to help him explain this to everyone. They do this just in case someone wasn’t paying attention. Arlo asks Chloe who’s in charge of him – Chloe or Dana? He wants to know who he can make rude remarks to. Chloe tells him to do as he’s told, and she won’t taser him.

3:01 am – Kayla is freaking out now that she’s been informed that Tarin isn’t quite who she thought he was, and she tries to create a Bat Signal through the bathroom window. Meanwhile, Tarin gets a call from Samir, who informs him that there’s Marcos paint all over the inside of the decompression chamber at the hospital and that Marcos might have said something besides “Uh oh” before the paint job.

Samir suggests that Tarin take Kayla with him to their secret rendezvous phase, which dares to be even more exciting than the last couple of phases.

3:02 am – Chloe uploads info about Tarin to Jack. Jack is in the car with Cole and is coordinating things with CTU. Dana is coordinating with someone named Sargent Amos. This must be Amos’ first time at a staging area, because all kinds of flashing lights are all around the area. Good thing Tarin hasn’t looked out the window.

Amos is informed that Tarin is in room 514 and has Kayla. Jack and Cole then explain the plot so far to him. Jack informs Amos that Tarin is Hasan’s former head of security, and “knows what he’s doing”. Amos respectfully points out that Tarin must really not understand what he’s doing if he’s attempting to kidnap Kayla.

3:04 am – Tarin is getting really impatient with Kayla who tells him she’s “getting ready” It appears he has no previous experience with “getting ready”, and doesn’t realize he could be there for the next 36 hours.

He paces around and then looks out the window to see, at that exact moment, two strange things – 1) No cars on the streets below and 2) Men with guns headed to the building. The weird part of that is, they’re actually the police, and not just random New Yorkers.

Tarin grabs Kayla and heads to the elevators in the completely empty hotel. Despite his insistence that Amos wait until he gets there, Jack is ignored! Sergeant Amos has no idea the world of hurt that Jack can put him in, so he creeps through the building with 3 of his stealthiest friends.

They are, however, not stealthy enough. Tarin easily shoots them all and they all go down. Apparently all of them forgot to wear their bulletproof vests! Tarin grabs a walkie-talkie and does an impression of one of the downed agents. Kayla takes this prime opportunity NOT to yell and scream for help, thereby helping Tarin redirect the rest of CTU to the wrong end of the building. Well, everyone except for Jack.

It takes Jack about 2 seconds to realize what Tarin is up to, and they’re back on Tarin’s trail.
Continue reading “Season 8 – 24 – 3 am to 4 am”

Season 8 – 24 – 2 am to 3 am


Previously on “24”, we saw that: Fahrad sure didn’t know when to stop calling people to ask for help; Kevin and Nick are playing an extreme version of “Marco Polo”; Tarin’s escorts have the ability to hear conversations while they’re locked in a trunk, 20 feet away from the phone call; CISCO must be paying a lot for product placement; Chloe can make a remote control out of anything; Terrorists leaders can talk people into blowing themselves up, but never go first to show them how to do it properly; Marcos is really, really terrible at being a terrorist.

The following takes place between 2 am and 3 am

2:00 am – Fortunately for Marcos, he hid in the one hyperbaric chamber that had a schematic for the exact bomb he’s got strapped to himself. That’s the first thing that went right for him today. Outside of there, Jack gets the lowdown on the make and model of the chamber, because he’s been looking for one for his house. It’ll take about forty minutes to drill into the chamber.

2:02 am – Chloe already has all the information about Marcos including his mom’s name, what his father did before committing suicide, and his favorite breakfast cereal (“Explodios!”). Jack asks CTU to go get Marco’s mom and to bring her to the hospital, because this is exactly the sort of thing that a mom could talk a kid out of doing.
Continue reading “Season 8 – 24 – 2 am to 3 am”

Season 8 – 24 – 11 pm to 12 am

Previously on “24”, we discovered:

Renee is pretty handy with a knife. She tried to help Jack get rid of a kidney stone, but missed; Despite making bad decisions in the past, Dana still hasn’t learned to NOT make bad decisions; Arlo is still a stalker; Jack can take a knife to the gut, and will just walk it off; if you take Jack hostage, it’s only because he let you do it, and because he wants the chance to kill as many bad guys as possible.

The following occurs between 11 pm and 12am:

11:00 pm – Dana leaves to make a phone call to Kevin, who is hiding out in a strip bar, not understanding that nobody can hide anything in a place like that. Dana figures that this is a great time to say goodbye to Kevin and Nick while they’re busy drooling, but the boys have other ideas. They want to continue their operation. Dana tells them she’s not interested in playing Doctor, and they explain what they really mean is to continue stealing with Dana’s help. Otherwise they’ll tell everyone she used to be a bad Cylon. Arlo arrives to stalk Dana, but when she sees him, he improvises and tells her that she shouldn’t be sneaking off making private phone calls, or he’ll tell Cole about Kevin. Arlo has no idea who Kevin really is, since he’s only heard his name, but he’s pretty sure it’s that bird from the movie “Up.”

With that out of the way, Arlo lets Dana know that Jack has taken the Russians hostage – they just don’t know that yet.

11:05 pm – Cole explains to Hastings that they haven’t figured out where Jack is. Hastings is upset that Renee used Vlad as a pin cushion. Hastings starts to question Dana about her absence, but Chloe steps and tells Hastings that Dana was helping implement a TCP/IP protocol completely in Flash. Hastings accepts this and leaves. When Dana tries to thank Chloe, Chloe tells her that she just wants help finding Jack before he kills all the hostages he’s taken.

11:06 pm – Bazhaev, fresh from killing his youngest son, does what any father would do: He’s working on replicating something he saw Gordon Ramsay make on “Kitchen Nightmares.” A bunch of Jack’s hostages bring Jack into the basement kitchen where Bazhaev is working, and he tells them to put Jack in a room down the hall. He’s surprised to learn that Vlad is dead, and want’s to know how Jack knows about the nuclear fuel rods. (They still don’t realize that FOX has been running commercials mentioning them for weeks).

11:08 pm – Bazhaev goes to meet with Jack, who is still pretending to be Harry Potter, only without the glasses. Jack is now is now tied to a chair. Jack tells him that he’s been looking for a horcrux, and some nuclear fuel rods. Bazhaev wants to know how Jack knows about the fuel rods, and Jack tells him that they intercepted some owls, and found out that Fahrad wanted to buy the fuel rods, but Jack’s people want to do the deal instead. Bazhaev looks skeptical, and Jack won’t tell him whom he’s working for. Jack offers him $250 million dollars in small unmarked bills, or in change if he really wants it that way. Bazhaev doesn’t believe that Jack isn’t really a cop, so he orders one of his men to “make Jack talk”, which probably isn’t going to end well for the bad guys.

Josef arrives telling his father that he buried his younger brother. Bazhaev explains his skepticism, and won’t tell Fahrad what’s going on until Dmitry has a chance to “talk” with Jack.

Apparently Dmitry is a car mechanic, because he just happens to have a portable car starter with him. He zaps Jack right in the area where Renee wounded him. Knowing Jack, that only sealed the wound and has made him stronger.

Commercial

11:16 pm – Hasting is on the phone with Mrs. President, and gives her all the information he has on the situation, which means nothing.

Fahrad is on the phone with one of his lackeys. The lackey tells him that at the rate Hasan is cracking down on the opposition, they won’t be able to reconstitute their nuclear program. Fahrad tells him it should be as easy as adding water because that is how he reconstitutes all kinds of other things. Fahrad tells him that the nuclear material should be there within the hour.

Bazhaev enters the room and tells Fahrad that some guy dressed like Harry Potter is downstairs working on his Electric Boogaloo, and wants to outbid him for the nuclear fuel rods. Bazhaev tells Fahrad he has halted the shipments, because he doesn’t want to expose himself. Fahrad agrees that nobody wants to see something like that, but unless he gets those fuel rods, they’ll be worthless to him because of Hasan’s crackdown. Fahrad starts to complain at Bazhaev about the whole Hasan assassination screw up, which ticks Josef off enough to pull a gun on Fahrad. Bazhaev tells Josef to take Fahrad to the rendezvous point to wait.

11:19 pm – Renee arrives at CTU with Cole. She starts to question Hastings about whether or not he’s got a lead, and that he should be using all the great CTU technology they have. Hastings counters by telling her that they did have a good lead, but Renee stabbed it in the eye. Hastings then tells Chloe to debrief Renee and to have her get a psych eval, but to make sure she doesn’t have anything sharp at her disposal. Chloe tells Hastings that there’s nothing sharp about anything at CTU, but he ignores this and leaves.

Renee is upset that Jack’s been taken, but Chloe convinces her that she needs to write a statement.

11:20 pm – Dana tells Cole that she needs to talk to him. She tells him that she wants to tell him why she’s been acting weird for the last couple of days, which is especially weird since she’s only heard from Kevin within the last few HOURS. There’s no telling what else has been making her act weird before that.

She tells him that there are things about per past that she hasn’t told him. She looks very concerned that he’s not going to believe anything about her Battlestar Galactica days, but suddenly seems convinced she knows how to handle the whole situation.

11:22 pm – Meanwhile, back in the torture room where Jack is hanging from one of the rafters, Jack is still being tortured. This time, Dmitry pulls off Jack’s bandage really quickly, but even THAT doesn’t seem to faze Jack. Dmitry asks Jack who he’s working for, and then presses Jack’s wound, in the mistaken belief that either this is will make Jack say a pre-recorded message, or that it will turn him off like it would Data. Dmitry continues to torture Jack until Jack pretends to fall asleep. Jack, deciding that he’s questioned Dmitry long enough grabs the electrical grip from him with his FEET and uses it to shock Dmitry until Dmitry passes out. Or is dead. Whatever.

Jack notices that the pipe he’s hanging from is leaking, and climbs over to the leaking area to try clean his feet. He also tries to release himself.

Commercial

11:30 pm – Hasan’s daughter goes to talk to Hasan, and she’s pretty upset at Tarin’s arrest. She also tells him that she’s seeing Tarin on the side, and that they both hope to be on a couple’s version of Survivor. Hasan is very upset by this, since that show is on another network, and tells her that he doesn’t want her to see him again.

11:33 pm – Jack struggles with the pipe a bit more, but his feet are completely clean now, so all is well. Dmitry, who wasn’t quite dead yet, wakes up just as Jack causes the pipe to come crashing down to the floor. Dmitry makes the classic mistake of bringing a knife to a Jack fight, and after a brief struggle gets killed by Jack, even though Jack is completely tied up. Jack frees himself. He goes through Dmitry’s pockets for a breath mint, but only finds a cell phone. The cell phone doesn’t work. Jack decides a better option might be to just leave. He sees that Bazhaev is still in the building, and that he happens to be near the fuse box. The next thing you know, the entire place goes dark. Bazhaev is smart enough to realize it might be “Muir”, and tells them to look for him.

Now, despite the rest of the place being completely dark, there is still light near the fuse box. The lackey that went to check on it tries to turn the power back on, but Jack jumps down from the ceiling where he was hiding using his Spiderman powers. It takes Jack about two seconds to kill this guy, and he finds a cell phone on this guy. He calls Chloe to talk about how great it has been to FINALLY take out some bad guys, and asks her to trace the phone call to get some CTU agents over there right away. He puts down the phone and starts hunting more bad guys.

He finds one to shoot, and does so. Bazhaev sees this, and kicking it old school, shoots at Jack with a shotgun. Jack, being the more modern guy that he is, dives for a machine gun, and shoots that. He completely misses Bazhaev and dives under a table. Bazhaev takes this opportunity to shoot some of the glassware on the tables, which he didn’t like anyway and misses Jack by a mile. Bazhaev moves in close to see if he’s killed Jack. Jack uses this to his advantage and knocks out Bazhaev by pushing the table on him, chalking up one of the few times that Jack has knocked out someone using a table that had been set for a formal occasion.

Commercial

11:42 pm – Cole explains to Hastings that they’re sending a team to Jack. Hastings wants to know where Dana is, and Arlo completely tattletales on her, saying that she left 15 minutes ago, or in Jack terms, two dead bodies go.

Renee is relieved to hear that Jack is OK, and wants to talk to him. Chloe tells her that she needs to go to the infirmary to have her head examined, and takes her there.

11:43 pm – CTU finally makes it to Jack, who takes this opportunity to do a nice product placement with his Sprint phone. Jack asks to speak to Bazhaev alone, and promises not to kill him very much while he questions him. Jack tries to cut a deal to get information about the rods, telling Bazhaev that Josef and Oleg will be part of the deal too. Bazhaev tells Jack that he shot Oleg, because he only had a bit part in the storyline. Bazhaev wants full immunity.

Jack calls Chloe, and gets conferenced in to the conversation with Hastings and Mrs. President. Jack convinces them that Bazhaev won’t talk without a deal, and Mrs. President tells Jack that she’ll tell Bazhaev that personally.

11:46 pm – Back at CTU, Cole confronts Arlo about Dana and wants to know what Arlo was implying. He tells Cole, “I don’t want to be the one that tells you this”, when you can see it in his eyes that he TOTALLY wants to be the one that tells Cole this: Dana went to meet “some guy”. Cole thinks that Arlo must have misunderstood, because “Sum Gai” is one of her favorite Chinese meals. As proof, Arlo shows Cole the picture of Kevin up close and personal with Dana.

Hastings interrupts and tells Cole to go to a helipad to meet with his team. Cole leaves, but not before telling Arlo to trace where Dana is. He calls her.

Dana gets the call, but doesn’t answer. She’s spying on Kevin in that club he’s in.

Cole leaves a message, and enters an elevator. In the elevator, he helps one of his men buckle a strap. Unfortunately for this man, whenever someone helps someone else with a strap, the person who gets help is sure to die soon.

Commercial

11:55 pm – Kayla tries to see Tarin and guilts the guard into telling her when Tarin will be transported out of the area.

11:56 pm – Hastings paces back and forth while giving Cole instructions. The helicopter approaches, but there aren’t any hostiles in sight, probably due to the fact that a HELICOPTER IS RIGHT THERE. The helicopter lands. They use a radiation detector to find the truck with the fuel rods, and open the door.

Instead of fuel rods, they discover the body of someone whose last act on earth was to try and stare at the hole someone put into his forehead. The person he was with is dead too, and the fuel rods are gone! One of the CTU agents notices that a necklace, the same necklace that Josef took from Oleg was hanging on the door. Josef took the rods, and forgot the necklace! Boy, his father is going to be mad.

Jack gets the call about the missing rods, and confronts Bazhaev. Bazhaev tells Jack they must have gone to the wrong truck that contained nuclear fuel rods, since they are so easy to mix up. Hastings tells Jack that they also found Oleg’s necklace, and Bazhaev realizes it was Josef who took the fuel rods.

Meanwhile, Josef makes a phone call to Fahrad and tells him that he’ll have the fuel rods to their location in a few minutes. Josef must be very strong, because somehow he got that huge box with the fuel rods in the back of his truck.

12:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: Jack yells! Lots of phone calls! Dana has a silencer! Someone tries to pull a gun on Jack!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

Season 8 – 24 – 10 pm to 11 pm


Previously on “24”, we discovered: Jack speaks German like he’s gargling with marbles while having his foot stamped at the same time; Josef should have never kept his brother out late, because his Dad, Sergei is really, really strict about curfew; Arlo needs better pickup lines; Dana needs to remember that her boyfriend, Cole, has a gun and would probably be willing to practice his sniper skills on her old boyfriend, Kevin.

The following takes place between 10pm and 11 pm:

10:00 pm – Fortunately for us, they didn’t televise the vote, but President Taylor got the treaty ratified by everyone, including Jamaica, who mistakenly voted for it because they thought someone said “rad”. Her assistant tells her that most of the delegates are up past their bedtime, which likely means most of the delegates are eight years old.

The delegate from England asks Taylor what’s REALLY going on. Since there are only 30 delegates still left in the room, she feels like this is a perfect place to tell a secret. She explains the entire ending of LOST, which she’s been briefed on. He can’t believe the ending has anything to do with giant inflatable balloons, but takes her word for it. She also tells him about Hassan’s crackdown in his own country, and about the nuclear materials. He is surprised that someone would make a bolt of material out of something so dangerous. She also tells him that CTU is running an undercover operation.

10:03 pm – Jack, still in his cunning Harry Potter disguise, is in a car being driven to Vlad by one of Vlad’s henchmen – or it might be a lackey – or perhaps a cohort – it is hard to tell at this time of night. Jack gets a phone call from Cole, who lost satellite reception, so instead of waiting for BBC America to come back on the dish, he’s headed out of the building to try and figure out where Jack is going. Jack is still upset about not shooting anyone for a while, and declines the help.

10:04 pm- Arlo, using one of the bazillion cameras spread all over the city that CTU just happens to know how to tap into, is able to find Jack holding a gun on the cohort driving the car. Dana gets a phone call from Kevin, who has driven up to the building he’s going to break into with his friend. Dana tells him that they’re going to have to wait, because she’s a little busy. He tells her that they’re exposed out in the alley, and feeling uncomfortable about it. She tells him to not do that sort of thing, and she’ll get back to them as soon as she can.

10:05 pm – Chloe enters and tells Arlo that Hastings wants a field update. Arlo tells her that the field is nice and grassy this time of year, and asks Chloe if he can ask her a hypothetical question. She says that she doesn’t speak “hypothetical” and that she knows he’s talking about Dana. Arlo asks Chloe if she would want to know if her fiancé were cheating on her. Chloe says that she’d inform Jack and when he was done “interrogating” the fiancé, she would tazer him. Oh, and that Arlo is a creepy stalker. She tells him it’s none of his business. She goes to Dana and tells her about the meeting.

10:06 pm – Jack and his driver arrive at their destination, and Jack asks for the keys. He gets the driver out of the car, and they both go in to see Vlad. Jack asks if this is the way Vlad does business, sending in a Danny Bonaduce impersonator in to try and kill him. Jack says he wants to talk to Vlad. He stares at Vlad really closely, and then decides what he really wants is to talk to Renee. Jack takes off his Harry Potter glasses as he moves off to the side to talk to her, which he does to be sure she can recognize him through the disguise.

Jack tells Renee that he has authorization to pull her out of the undercover operation. Renee says it’s not a big deal. Vlad gets impatient, and wants to leave.

10:08 pm – Dana calls Kevin back as she enters a completely private CTU room, which in CTU terms means that it’s got a weird grid over the glass behind her. She tells him that the security code is 1668. He tries it, but it doesn’t work because he’s not very good with numbers. His partner tries it, and they’re in. Dana tells him that if they’re out of there in less than 20 minutes, they’ll have $120,000.

The next door also has a code: 4660. He tries his luck on this door, and this time it works for him. They’re in. They look for 3101. The code for that door is 2824. They go up to door 3110, which they can’t figure out is the wrong one until she tells them. They complain about all the numbers, but finally grab the money. Dana hangs up. Kevin wants to leave, but his partner thinks it’ll be a good time to go shopping, because after all, what POSSIBLY could go wrong?

Commercial

10:16 pm – Jack and Renee wait while Vlad makes a phone call about the nuclear material. The Walmart he called didn’t have any in stock. He hangs up and asks Renee to make hor’dourves for everyone. He complains about the thickness of the bread she’s cutting, which in terms of “24” exciting scenes, this ranks pretty darn low. Vlad tries to get Jack upset by talking about Renee, but Jack doesn’t bite. Vlad asks Jack to leave while he makes more phone calls, so Jack waits outside.

10:18 pm – Sergei walks to his priest, Father Gregor, and tells him that he wants his son buried. Father Gregor says that he should be dead first. Sergei tells him his younger son, not Josef. Sergei volunteers his men to act as gravediggers.

Josef is still upset about his younger brother, and as a result, is hiding in a food storage closet. His father finds him, and tries to remind him that he’s doing all this so that Josef has a nice inheritance with wealth and consequence. Josef asks if that was an old TV show, and Sergei tells him he’s thinking of “Truth or Consequences”.

One of Sergei’s men knocks on the food storage closet door, and asks Sergei to come out of the closet – Vlad is on the phone.

10:22 pm – Vlad calls him “Sergei Petrovich”, which is suspiciously close to Steve The 24 Guy’s real name. Vlad asks about the nuclear rods, but Sergei tells him he doesn’t know anything about it. He tells Vlad not to call him again, and hangs up.

Renee tells Vlad that Sergei is just jealous he’s not in on the deal, and asks him to call the next person on his “nuclear material supplier list”. Vlad thinks it’s a better time to start trying to make out with Renee. She tells him that he can do that once he’s made more calls.

10:24 pm – Sergei calls a guy who’s riding in the back of a truck to tell him that he “knows what to do”, creating a mini-mystery in the style of LOST, without the interesting story line. We have NO idea what he means, unless it means finding Vlad and killing him. Sergei gets off the phone. The guy in the truck picks up a two-way radio, and tells the driver they have to stop, because he really, REALLY has to go to the bathroom. And he has to do whatever cryptic thing Sergei just told him about.

Commercial

10:29 pm – Hassan, using a similar Harry Potter disguise as Jack’s, sits at a table full of black and white photographs. He gets out his touch screen cell phone, and writes on the screen with a pen. He’s obviously very distracted.

President Taylor calls him and asks about the treaty. She asks for his word about the letter and spirit about the agreement he’s supposed to sign. He says he’ll agree, and within the next few hours the arrests are going to stop. He says he’s going to take measures to make sure they stop, not telling her this likely means he’s going to just have everyone shot. He might just have them watch reruns of the Grammys, which might kill them even more quickly. They hang up.

Taylor asks her assistant, “How do you think he sounded?” He says, “Not like himself.” Taylor agrees, saying that his Indeterminate Mideastern Accent didn’t sound quite right to her either.

10:30 – Hassan asks Tarin how the interrogation with JamalJamot went, and how forceful the interrogation was. The answer “very”, which is pretty darn specific, and but that isn’t good enough for Hassan. He wants JamalJamot’s children arrested, and to apply whatever pressure necessary to hear what he wants. Tarin tells him that the children probably don’t know much, not even the secret crabby patty formula, despite how much Spongebob they watch. Hassan tells him he means JamalJamot. Tarin convinces Hassan that he really doesn’t want to have the children taken into custody because it would probably mean the end of distribution rights to all Nickelodeon shows in their country, and nobody would want that. Hassan realizes his mistake, and tells Tarin to go recheck phone records, because it will stall for time until the writers can think up something that’s actually exciting.

The body guard leaves, but Hassan asks the guy that’s with him to stay behind to look after some files. As soon as the body guard is gone, Hassan tells the guy that he really DOES want the children and JamalJamots wife arrested. Oh, and he wants to have Tarin checked out too, because Hassan is still just a wee bit paranoid about almost getting blown up a few hours ago.

10:33 pm – Kevin and Nick are still at the warehouse, when Nick pulls a gun on Kevin! Nick accidentally fires the gun! Finally some excitement! Whoops….spoke too soon. It’s a squirt gun.

10:34 pm – Chloe goes to Dana to let her know about the nuclear material that was on Hassan’s foiled assassin. Dana says that Hassan’s Foiled Assassin would be a good name for a rock band. Chloe says that the material is likely of soviet origin. Dana gets a call. It’s Kevin, and he’s freaking out that someone is there. Dana sees that there’s a cop, and directs them to another exit. Dana tells him that he has to slip past the cop. Nick completely misunderstands what “slip past the cop” means, and beats the living daylights out of him before they leave.

Commercial

10:40 pm – Tarin knocks on Dalia’s door, and they embrace. Tarin’s is concerned about Hassan’s instructions, which he somehow found out about. There’s a knock on the door, and guards are there to take Tarin into custody. Just when it looks like there’s about to be some excitement…. There’s a let down. Nothing happens and they take Tarin away.

10:43 pm – Jack finally is sick of sitting, and starts to walk around outside the room where Vlad is making phone calls. In another strange coincidence, Vlad is talking on the phone with someone named “Roman”, which is exactly Steve The 24 Guy’s middle name (really!).

Vlad tells Renee he’s called everyone he knows, and nobody knows a thing about nuclear materials. Renee doesn’t want to take “no” for an answer, and tells Vlad that he needs to call everyone in the phone book until he finds someone that knows where to get the nuclear materials. She tells him that she’s just there for the deal, which really ticks Vlad off. He slaps her and punches her. Renee counters with a knife to the eye, and a stab in the neck. All in all, Renee wins.

Jack, hearing the telltale sighs of someone being stabbed to death, runs into the room. Renee turns around at just the wrong moment, and stabs Jack in the gut, causing him to fall back on to a couch. The Danny Bonaduce lookalike guy comes into the room and nearly pulls his gun on Renee, when Jack pulls the knife out of his own gut, throws it, and hits Danny right in the middle of the neck. Jack sees someone running towards the door through the translucent wall, picks up a gun and shoots through the wall, killing the guy. That’s TWO bad guy deaths in less than ten seconds. Jack was WAY overdue. He gives Renee a big ol’ hug to celebrate.

Commercial

10:50 pm – Jack makes a call back to CTU while he bandages himself up, explaining to Hastings that Vlad is dead. Jack tells him that they all knew Vlad was violent before the whole operation started. Hastings says, “Violent? He’s dead on the floor!” Jack tells him that he means before that, when Vlad was less dead. Jack wants to move on by going through all the files.

10:52 pm – Renee is upset that she almost killed Jack, not realizing he’s signed on for a least one more season. She’s also upset that she doesn’t have anyone to fall back on if she’s not doing undercover, killing operations anymore. Jack says that she always has him. A scene like this, with all the dead bodies around, is always so romantic.

There’s a noise outside, and Jack foreshadows a BIG problem by saying “Hey, they must have been really moving! They’re here already!”

10:55 pm – Jack goes outside to meet the CTU agents, which turn out not to be CTU agents, but more Russian gangsters. Fresh out of knives to throw into people’s throats, Jack starts piling up dead bodies like cordwood while he explains that the Russians’ are coming to Renee. She asks him, “Wasn’t that a movie?” He ignores this and shuts the door. He hides Renee and tells her that he’s going to give himself up so CTU can follow him.

The Russians enter the room, and Jack pretends to completely weak saying “I’m just here to do business!” They take him away.

10:58 pm – Cole arrives just in time to have completely missed finding the Russians anywhere. Renee comes out of hiding. Cole asks where Jack is. Renee is surprised to hear this, since Jack told her that CTU would be watching the building. Nobody saw a thing, and they have no idea where Jack went.

Jack, of course, is underground in a sewer with the Russians. They walk out to a waiting car. They picked the one area in all of New York that DIDN’T have a CTU camera nearby.

11:00 pm – TIME’S UP!

NEXT TIME ON “24”: JACK HAS A HOOD! THEN IT’S GONE! DANA HAS A MAD FACE! SHE HAS A HOOD FOR AN EX-BOYFRIEND! JACK GETS UP CLOSE WITH JUMPER CABLES! AND NOT IN A GOOD WAY!

SEE YOU NEXT WEEK!

24 – Season 8 – 9 pm to 10 pm


Previously on “24”, we found out that: Dana had really bad taste in boyfriends; Ziya, who had previously gotten an Extreme Manicure from Renee, doesn’t have to worry about his thumb anymore; Renee is REALLY good at playing chicken – either that our she could tell by looking down that gun barrel that it wasn’t loaded.

The following takes place between 9pm and 10pm:

9:00 pm – Jack arrives in time to see that Renee is still talking with Vladimir. He makes a phone call to CTU, suggesting that Renee is trying to get off the show in any way possible, even by dying. Hastings doesn’t want to pull her, so Jack suggests that when he goes undercover as a buyer for what the Russians are selling, he’ll take Renee’s place. Hastings says that Jack wouldn’t be able to do that very easily, since he doesn’t have freckles and he won’t look good in a Renee’s pantsuit.

9:05 pm – Hastings tells Dana that he wants her to start talking to the nuclear team that will help with the rods as soon as they find them. He’s worried that since Jack has previous experience with nuclear bombs going off, that he might just try and put them in a backpack and bring them in himself.

Dana’s a little distracted because of what her ex-boyfriend Kevin wants, but she agrees. When Hastings leaves, she calls Kevin to tell him that she found $120,000 impounded at a police warehouse. Kevin, and his friend Mick, who are camping out at Dana’s place try and perform a “high-five”, but end up doing a “side-five” instead. Somehow Kevin puts enough brain cells together to realize that trying to break into a warehouse to steal the money might not work out that well. Dana assures him that she can talk him through it, and promises to meet him in 30 minutes.

Arlo, who is still hitting on Dana, comes over to ask whether she solved that “problem” she went out to fix. He makes his hourly really crude hit on Dana, but she doesn’t fall for this lame attempt. Chloe looks like she wants to taser him right now.

9:07 pm – Vlad and Renee arrive back at their hideout. Renee explains that a guy named “Ernst Muir” is looking for weapons-grade uranium. Vlad looks skeptical, saying that “Ernst Muir” sounds like a cross between a James Bond villain and a ghost from a 1960s TV show. Vlad finally agrees to try and find out where the nuclear material might be. He asks for $5 million dollars, coupons from last week’s McDonald’s circular ad, and some real Russian vodka. Renee said it might be a problem, but she’ll check with “Muir”. Vlad leaves.

Renee starts looking around for people, and then asks Jack when he’ll be ready. Jack’s still on his way, and the only thing he’s having a problem finding are those coupons, so it’ll take about 30 minutes.

Commercial

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