Magic Lamp

Previously on “24” – Jack: bit someone that wasn’t kosher right on the neck; shot his friend Curtis; strangled two people; watched a nuclear bomb go off; cried; shot a LOT of bad guys; got framed for killing his brother; ran up his long distance bill; disarmed a bomb; ran through sewers; got Audrey to say one word; took a phone call he shouldn’t have; finally heard someone admit that he was right; continued to save the world.

But most of all, Jack is still hoping that this season would get over so he could get a nice new plot for next year.

The following summary takes place between 5 am and 6 am:

5:00 am – Out at the oil platform, the boat arrives with Josh, who to his credit starts arguing with Grandpa right away. Cheng comes downstairs and tells Grandpa that all their cargo ships are being watched after the last Bauer they got out of the country, so this time they’re going to have to take a submarine. Back on the beach, Jack is wearing a bullet-proof life vest.

5:01 am – Chloe is in the hospital, with Morris by her side. He’s really worried, and the doctor tells him that she passed out because the absolutely bizarre plot this season finally just made her brain overload. Chloe opens her eyes and tells Morris to get back to work. She was listening the whole time! He wants to stay with her, but she tells him that it would really make her happy if she could just use a computer to find Grandpa.

5:02 am – Nadia tells Morris that Jack was right AGAIN (surprise). This time it was the oil platform. They decide to use a satellite to see if they can figure out how many people are on that platform, and it turns out there are plenty of people there for Jack to shoot.

5:03 am – Nadia goes to call Lennox, and Morris calls the doctor to find out about Chloe. The doctor points out the obvious: it’s just been about two minutes since Morris was there! The doctor tells Morris to quit stalking Chloe, and that he won’t release any information without her permission.

5:04 am – Lennox tells Noah that Nadia called to let them know about the oil platform. Noah wants to send in a special tactical unit, but one of the cabinet officers has got a much more explosive idea: F-18 fighter jets! Explosions galore! The circuit board will likely just blow up too. Lennox points out that Josh is not explosion proof, so it’s likely
that there will be lots of Josh shark bait in the water, if they go through with the fighter jets. Noah points out that if the Russians attack, a lot of people are going to die anyway, so he orders the F-18 strike.

5:07 am – Mike apologizes to Jack for falling for the explosive circuit board trick, and Jack says that it is OK, since he fell for that a few times himself when he was a rookie. Nadia calls Jack and tells him that the White House has ordered an air strike in thirty minutes. She orders Jack and Bill back to CTU to be debriefed, and not in a good way.

5:09 am – Jack is pretty upset that Josh is being written off like this. Surprise! It turns out that Bill is a part time helicopter pilot! They take over the helicopter, which no one will notice because it’s loud, has blinking lights, and a HUGE spotlight. The people on the platform will never see it coming.

Commercial

5:14 am – The fighter jets are 22 minutes out, as Cabinet Guy tells Noah that Russian Troops are all in Flank Two Position near our military base! Lennox interrupts to let Noah talk to Suvarov. Noah explains the air strike plan to Suvarov. Suvarov tells Noah that they know there’s a Chinese submarine pretty close to the platform, and he’s pretty sure that it’s not going there for a fried rice delivery. Suvarov says that the oil platform needs to be completely destroyed in order to salvage what’s left of the plot, since explosions always help to do that.

5:15 am – Morris goes to tell Nadia that Jack and Bill are on their way to the oil platform with the CTU helicopter. Nadia tells Jack that she can’t authorize a suicide mission. Jack tells her that he’s already thought of that because Bill is with him, and Bill already had authorized a suicide mission today, so it all works out. Bill finally breaks in and tells Nadia that this is the right thing to do. Nadia stares off into space for a minute, remembering what it was like when Bill was in charge, and realizes she hasn’t seen the guys that said they were doing an immediate investigation during the 3:00 am to 4:00 am show. They must have run away from the plot. Morris sends the information about the bad guys on the platform. Bill is going to fly in to the platform now, just as the F-18s acquire the target.

5:19 am – Cheng, Grandpa and Josh have no idea what’s going on outside, so they’re not the least bit panicked. Josh asks to be let go, and Grandpa says he can’t do that because of all the water.

5:20 am – Outside, the Chinese guys outside see the helicopter, even though the helicopter is black, and it’s dark outside. Inside, Cheng GIVES BACK THE COMPONENT to Grandpa, and says they’ll meet at the boat. Why did he do that? Brain damage?

5:21 am – Bill uses the helicopter to sneak up on the Chinese guys, who knew about the helicopter, but STILL weren’t prepared. Jack does a lot of shooting, blows a few things up, and immediately finds Cheng. Cheng says they’re too late, because he’s fresh out of components and Josh. Jack goes off to find them, and Bill takes Cheng for a drag out to the helicopter.

Commercial

5:26 am – Josh won’t go with Grandpa, so he just stops on the way to their boat. Grandpa tells him to stop acting “like a child” (even though he IS a child). Josh tells him to stop acting like a “demented homicidal traitor”. Grandpa decides to enact some tough love and nearly chokes Josh to death, all the while telling him to control his emotions. He must think Josh is half-Vulcan.

5:27 am – Meanwhile, Jack goes around firing at people that still haven’t left the platform. The F-18 pilots are four minutes, 30 seconds away.

5:28 am – Grandpa tries to get the boat ready, and Josh takes a wrench, smacks Grandpa in the head, and grabs his gun! Grandpa tells Josh that Josh won’t shoot, and there he’d be wrong. Josh shoot Grandpa! Jack arrives just in time, and tells Josh, “I’ve been exactly where you are, and I know exactly how you feel”. Josh gives him a look that says, “You shot Grandpa once too??” Josh finally gives up his gun, and Jack tells him to get to the helicopter. Josh runs for it.

5:29 am – Grandpa wants Jack to finish it, and Jack says there’s still a half hour left, so he can’t do that yet. Jack says that Grandpa needs to be held accountable for what’s happened today. Grandpa points out that unless Jack has figured out a way to stop time, there won’t be enough time to carry him anywhere and still make it off the platform before the air strike. Jack tells his father, “You’re getting off easy”, and Grandpa responds he doesn’t need oven cleaner. Jack says, “off easy, not Easy Off”. Jack runs for the helicopter.

5:30 am – Bill is outside of the helicopter for some reason, probably trying to figure out where the tires are on the thing. Nadia tells him they only have ninety seconds to get off the platform before the air strike. Josh arrives, and Bill very brightly lets out a rope ladder.

5:31 am – Noah orders the air strike. Bill circles around to get Jack, just as the missiles fire, and Jack grabs the rope ladder at the last second just as the explosions go off! Yeah! That’s more action than we’ve seen in WEEKS!

5:32 am – Noah confirms with Suvarov that the oil platform is now the burning pile of rubble formerly known as “oil platform”. Suvarov orders the withdrawal of the troops from around the base. Suvarov and Noah make nice.

5:33 am – Jack’s hanging on to the rope ladder, and decides to go for a swim since all this action has made him really smelly. Jack swims to shore, signals Bill that he’s OK. Josh wants to go back for him. Bill tells Josh that Jack isn’t ready to come back yet.

Commercial

5:40 am – Noah goes back to the Oval Office, where he tells Cabinet Guy to have one of the US submarines to follow the Chinese submarine back to China. Lennox wants to get right on this whole Chinese thing, but Noah wisely decides to leave that for another day since there’s only twenty minutes left in the show. Lennox tells Noah that now would be a pretty good time to let Karen off the hook, since she did help get Jack involved, and besides a scandal right now wouldn’t work out very well. Noah agrees, and Lennox hands over the tape recording he made earlier.

5:42 am – At CTU, Morris goes to visit Chloe to let her know that everything is OK, since the Russians aren’t rushing, the Chinese aren’t china-ing, and they finally figured out a cure for Crazy Grandpa Bauer, who blew up. Morris tells Chloe he’s concerned, and after a short discussion about who loves who, Chloe tells Morris she’s pregnant. Morris asks, “With child?” Chloe says, “No, with a keyboard! Of course with a child!” Chloe says, “Let’s not ruin this moment by saying something stupid.” And then immediately says something stupid, “Let’s go back to work”.

5:44 am – Lennox comes in to tell Karen that she’s free to go, and that Bill is being pardoned too. Lennox tells her that she and Bill will be free to get on with their lives, at least until next January when the “24” season starts back up again.

5:46 am – Bill returns to CTU with Cheng in tow. Cheng looks like a V8 exploded all over his face. Josh runs for his mother, and Bill informs Cheng that he won’t be getting dim sum for a long time. Cheng tells Bill, “My people won’t abandon me the way you abandoned Jack Bauer”.

5:47 am – Bill congratulates Nadia on a job well done. Nadia wants to know where Jack went, Bill says “Jack won’t be found if he doesn’t want to be found”. Nadia looks at Bill as if he’s been hanging out in a fortune cookie factory too long. Bill says they have to let him go, and she realizes that he’s right.

5:50 am – Heller is on the phone with someone actually HAPPY that Audrey is still alive. Now THAT is acting, my friends. Anyway, he hangs up and hears something. He picks up the phone, and Jack shows up soaking wet, probably to make Heller feel more comfortable, since he likes diving into water too. Heller asks if Jack is there to kill him, and Jack says, “Depends”. Heller says he has a whole box of those, but that doesn’t answer his question. He tells Jack that he won’t let him see Audrey. You’d think Jack would be happy about that, but he goes nuts and pulls a gun. Turns out that Jack has father issues, but with Heller.

5:53 am – Jack is really mad that Heller told him he was cursed, because people like Heller ordered him on the various missions he’d been on, and never… not once, did they send a Christmas card or anything like that. Even when Jack had his “vacation” in China, not a birthday card, or a tactical extraction, or anything!

5:55 am – Jack says he wants his life back, and he wants Audrey back. He just wants to disappear, and if anyone goes after them both, he’ll kill them. Then, in the understatement of the whole season, Jack says, “I’m pretty good at that too”. Granted, not as much as last season, but still, you have to admire a guy that would get out of being held prisoner by biting someone’s neck, even though they hadn’t washed in a week. Heller says Jack won’t change, and he doesn’t want Audrey to pay the price the way Jack’s wife did. Jack says he wants to see Audrey.

5:57 am – They go into Audrey’s room, where she’s sleeping. He holds her hand, and tells her that he’s at a crossroads, and that he has to let her go. Audrey does some of her best acting ever, and doesn’t move a muscle. He tells her he loves her, and kisses her on the forehead without even wiping off his lips afterwards.

5:59 am – Jack gets up and leaves Heller’s house. He goes out to the terrace looks out on the ocean.

6:00 am – Time’s up!

Thanks to Dave Barry for allowing me to post these on his blog every Monday, thanks to everyone who actually read through the “24” summaries I wrote this season, thanks to my friend John who read through these week after week before I posted them, and extra thanks to my wife and kids who let me commandeer the TV every week to do this!

Previously on “24” – We found out: You should never ask Jack for a choker necklace; It is much more dramatic to walk through sewer water than walk on cement right next to it; If you ever corner a Chinese diplomat on a cat walk, he’ll disappear into thin air if you turn your back on him; Jack’s dad was really trying to make a good impression on the Chinese for his visa application, but that fell through; Whenever anyone new arrives at CTU to “take over”, they act like jerks; If there’s one way to fool Jack Bauer, it’s to distract him with a phone call.

The following summary takes place between 4 am and 5 am:

4:00 am – A helicopter playing weird angel voices flies over the ocean, really freaking Josh out. Mike tells Josh that they’re going to hand him over to Grampa Bauer, but it’s OK because they have a tracking device and nothing bad happened to the last guy that happened to.

4:02 am – A CTU tactical guy places Jack “in custody”, which is likely to be a very temporary situation, since Jack always figures a way out. Jack calls Chloe who informs him that CTU has ordered him placed “in custody” while they figure out this whole Grandpa Bauer thing. Jack asks to speak to Karen.

4:04 am – At the White House, it has been a full day, and no one except Lisa has changed clothes, so it’s beginning to smell like day 39 on Survivor around there. Noah is on the phone with President Suvarov, because the big television screen special effect has been sent to another show. Noah tells him that he’s authorized an exchange for the component. During President Suvarov’s little speech, Karen gets the call from Jack. Jack points out that Grandpa Bauer has been lying this whole time, yet everyone at the White House believes he’ll go through with the plan, because they’re SURE that little thing with the nuclear weapons a few hours and plots ago was just a mistake. Jack tells her to stop it, and the music track for the show slows down, much like the plot.

4:07 am – Karen tells Lennox about Jack’s call, and points out that Jack has been right a lot more than anyone else. Lennox does the old CYA, and tells Karen that she can do what she wants, and if that’s letting Jack loose to finally stop this season from continuing, he’s fine with that.

4:08 am – The FBI is getting ready for a garage sale over at Bill’s apartment when he gets a phone call from Karen. She tells him about Grampa Bauer, and that CTU has Jack in custody, because someone wants this season to never end. Karen tells Bill to do whatever he can to stop the exchange of Josh for the circuit board.

4:11 am – The helicopter with Josh and Mike lands, and Mike tells Josh that whatever happens, don’t let anyone cut off his arm because they’ll never find him. Mike goes out to stalk a Port-o-Potty, and the coast is clear. He goes back to get Josh, but instead of taking him to the Port-o-Potty, he goes to a picnic table and calls CTU.

4:12 am – Surprise! Grandpa Bauer figured out a way to get into the impenetrable CTU computer network! Who would have thought? He wants the satellite uplink to point to something more interesting, so CTU turns it off. Grandpa is afraid of helicopters, so Mike orders that to go too. Mike tells Josh to act like this is a completely normal kidnapping, looks down at his cell phone, and is relieved that he had the cell on mute. Grandpa tells Josh that he wants to make him into a successful homicidal maniac, unlike his father who was an unsuccessful homicidal maniac.

Commercial

4:19 am – It is the worst BBQ ever at the picnic table. Mike’s still a rookie at this, so he asks Nadia for permission to shoot someone after they get the circuit board back. We all know Jack would never do something so fundamentally stupid as “asking for permission”. Nadia, of course, says “no”.

4:20 am – Phone call from Karen to Nadia. Karen wants to fill a little time during the show that could be used for some shooting, and just asks Nadia about how everything is going with the operation. Even Nadia thinks Karen should wait until some exciting plot development happens, but understands about Karen filling time. Karen wants to watch what’s happening with Jack, so she gets the security code from Nadia. The access code is ACN. No wonder CTU has such poor security – they use three letter codes!

4:21 am – Chloe tells Nadia that Marilyn has a security problem in a unsecured room in a very insecure portion of CTU, so Nadia leaves.

4:22 am – Marilyn argues with a security guard, who isn’t being paid enough to talk back, and wants to know where Josh is. Marilyn is freaking out, because Josh got to ride a helicopter and she didn’t. Nadia calls Morris, who she tells to call security, so they can come and take Marilyn away. That’s despite having a phone to call security herself, or better yet just having security right there in the room with her call, er, security.

4:23 am – Chloe isn’t very happy about the exchange they’re making with Josh, because she thinks that circuit board is a lot more interesting than Josh has been so far. Morris agrees, but says they’re under orders. Chloe and Morris argue a while, rehashing the plot so far. Nadia overhears this, and tells Chloe that if the signal in Josh’s arm goes down even a little, to call her. Nadia also says if it goes down a lot, like if someone cuts off his hand, Chloe should call her even more quickly.

4:24 am – Back at the picnic table, there’s finally a helicopter coming and it looks suspiciously like something they’re used previously in the show, so Mike calls Morris. Morris says it’s probably just a helicopter that’s being returned before the end of the show. He also tells Mike that he thinks that Mike is doing the absolutely right thing, and Mike tells him that if he wanted his opinion, he would have asked Morris to make him pass out in a choke hold like Jack did.

4:25 am – Jack and his CTU handlers are driving down the completely deserted streets of LA, when a driver from South Florida nearly runs them off the road honking their horn, because the CTU truck had the gall to actually be in their own lane. The CTU truck drives off the road, the driver stops, and it is Bill! I had no idea Bill learned to drive in South Florida. The driver of the CTU truck gets out and recognizes Bill, while back in the truck, Jack takes the opportunity to take away the other CTU guy’s gun. Bill walks down the hill with his hands in touchdown position. While Bill makes small talk with the driver, Jack takes the opportunity to hit someone! Finally! Someone gets hit, and it’s only about half an hour into the show. Jack gets out of the truck and knocks the driver out too. Jack and Bill run off to Bill’s pickup truck, and they drive off. Bill is very excited to be out on a CTU mission with Jack.

Commercial

4:31 am – Back at CTU, Chloe goes over and hugs Milo’s brother Stewart, who has just arrived. Stewart looks pretty upset that Milo isn’t leaving the building in the same condition he arrived in.

4:32 am – Karen’s laptop is on the fritz, so she calls Bill to say goodbye just before the RIAA comes to arrest her for those music downloads she did.

4:33 am – Nadia introduces herself to Stewart to let him know that she’s really sorry about Milo. Stewart points out that Milo was in love with her, and Nadia has a look on her face like “NOW they tell me”. Nadia leaves the room to take a phone call.

4:35 am – It’s Chloe. Chloe tells Nadia that their crack field agents are handcuffed to a car, and they’re still looking around for the candid camera. When Nadia returns to the room, Stewart is gone! Or he’s hiding in a locker. We can’t tell which.

4:36 am – Josh pleads with Mike to not let him go with Crazy Grandpa Bauer. Josh just doesn’t like watching the “Murder She Wrote” channel as much as Grandpa does, and he’s scared. Mike promises to find Josh, and that he’ll only have to watch a little “Murder She Wrote”, probably just long enough for the police on that show to realize that Angela Landsbury is always around when people are being killed.

4:37 am – Nadia calls Mike, and tells him that Jack is on the way with Bill. Mike is pretty upset because he really wants to be the New Jack. Josh is excited that Jack Classic is on the way.

Commercial

4:41 am – Noah goes to visit Karen, who is in detention. Noah explains the plot that just happens a few minutes ago. Noah wants to know what the heck she was thinking, and she starts to explain that her agent said it was going to be a good job. Noah tells Karen that’s not what she meant, but that Karen and Bill are in HUGE trouble about this whole Jack thing. Noah then goes on to say that if Jack doesn’t prevent this from happening, “Any blood that spills will be on you!” Karen says, “Yuck! I just got this dress”, and then realizes what Noah really meant.

4:43 am – Mike gets a call from Crazy Grandpa, who tells them to walk to the water. Chloe tracks Josh, since he still has his arm on, but she looks pretty tired. Even Morris notices.

4:44 am – A couple of guys in a boat drive up to shore. Mike and one of the guys point their guns at each other in a very menacing way, and argue about who should move first. Finally the guy from the boat drops a silver case on the ground, and Mike forgets the old “Silver Case That Explodes” trick. While Mike is rolling around on the ground, the boat guy grabs Josh. Just as they start to leave, Jack and Bill arrive. There’s a brief exchange of gunfire, which completely misses Jack because he hides behind a thin post.

4:45 am – On the boat, the boat guy calls Grandpa, who orders Josh to be scanned. Boat Guy says that Josh doesn’t have any UPC codes visible, but scans him anyway. They find the tag, and fortunately for Josh, they use a laser to short out the tracker in his arm. Gredenko probably would have loved to know about that little trick.

4:46 am – Chloe immediately sees that the tracker has been lost because instead of the little blip going away, her whole screen goes blank. Jack calls Nadia, and tells her about the explosion that hit Mike in the face. Mike looks like he won’t be recognizable at the Silver Spoons reunion show.

Commercial

4:53 am – Lennox comes in to let Noah know that nothing was found during the last commercial break. Noah points out that Karen was right and he was wrong. Noah finally realizes that Wayne had been right this whole time, and that sitting in the President’s chair is a lot harder than he thought. Lennox points out that making Karen a scapegoat wouldn’t be a good idea, because everyone will let the press know that Noah is pretty much a nutcase.

4:55 am – The medics have arrived to help Mike. Jack tells Nadia that Mike might be blind in one or both eyes, so he’s going to require a special CTU seeing-eye dog to go out on missions. Nadia tells Jack that she’s sorry that no one believed him, and you can just tell that Jack wants to tell her that no one EVER believes him. Chloe breaks in and tells Jack that’ll be next to be impossible to find that little boat, and Jack realizes it’s probably an oil rig their headed too. Jack’s pretty excited about this because he knows that oil is highly flammable.

4:56 am – At the oil platform, Cheng and Crazy Grandpa wait for Josh to arrive. Grandpa and Cheng argue a bit about whose fault all this is, and Cheng leaves. Grandpa makes a weird face while looking out over the ocean, almost as if he’s picking up signals from Jack. I can’t even explain that one.

4:59 am – Meanwhile, back at CTU, Chloe either needs her contact lens prescription filled or Morris is messing with the focus on her computer monitor. She gets up to talk to Morris, and she passes out!

5:00 am – Time’s up!

NEXT TIME ON 24: IS COMING UP NEXT!