Magic Lamp

Someone on Dave Barry’s blog suggested that I take all “The Next Day” episodes, and get a web page put together so all the episodes can be read.

You can read about the 24 The Next Day episodes here.

Last Time: Julian, Marwan’s brother, has joined Marwan, in what is sure to be some yet unidentified bad guy stuff. Badabing KaChing has been exposed as a wanted man, was captured and then somehow escapes enroute to CTU. A savage outbreak of Barry Manilow karaoke has been released on CTU, much to the dismay of everyone, most especially Marwan, who wanted something even worse…. probably something like Yanni. Jack, Curtis and Chloe are horrified to find out that Ex-President Manilow has become a TV evangelist.

The following occurred between 7pm and 8pm, with ranch dressing, on the side.

7:00 pm – As they’re watching the billboard showing Ex-President Manilow’s new career as TV evangelist, Jack turns to Curtis and asks him to bring up channel 43. Curtis pulls the car over to the side of the road, and plays with some dials on the console of the car. He can’t bring anything up, so Jack tries, too. Nothing. Chloe sighs, presses a couple of buttons on her wristwatch, and a 3D holographic projection of channel 43 shows up in mid-air in front of them.

7:02 pm – Manilow, wearing a remarkably bad toupee, is standing in front of a bank of people waiting by telephones. Manilow is pleading with viewers to send in any money they can. A few phones ring in the background. He tells viewers that the money is going to go for a very good cause. A few more phones start ringing. He tells viewers that with just a few donations, he could become president again. All the phones that had been ringing suddenly stop. From the reaction of the people on the telephones in the background, everyone they were talking to must have hung up. Manilow’s left eye twitches a bit, as he tries to smile.

7:04 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack agree that probably is one of the worst things they’ve seen on television, and that includes “The Simple Life”. A lady taps on the glass of Jack’s car window. Jack rolls down the window, and the lady asks Jack for his autograph. Jack signs it, and asks the lady why she would want his autograph. The lady looks a little taken aback by this, and says that she enjoys his show. She looks around, and asks if they’re filming right now. Jack looks back at Chloe and Curtis. They both shrug. Jack turns to the lady and asks whether she’s been trying to find him for a while or not. The lady replies that she’s waited outside of the film studio for a few days, but never saw him, so she’s thrilled. Jack asks which studio, and she replies on one on Pico Blvd. Jack thanks her, and Jack tells Curtis to drive there.

7:07 pm – Marwan is furious that the gas attack attempt at CTU failed to kill anyone, and that he himself shot about seven of his own henchmen and thugs in the process. Julian tells Marwan that he shot those guys in the chest, not the process, and Marwan tells him to shut up. The phone rings. Marwan answers it, and talks on a speaker phone. It’s the Hollywood Looking Terrorist Mastermind (HLTM). He tells Marwan that Jack is now headed for a television studio, and now would be a perfect opportunity to get rid of Jack once and for all. Julian says he’s going to set his phaser on kill.

7:09 pm – HLTM calls the KFC on the QT to order BBQ to be delivered ASAP and not via UPS or DHL or worse via USPS. KFC says it’ll be there PDQ if that would be AOK.

Commercial

7:14 pm – Jack says that everything that’s been happening today has to be tied together somehow, but can’t figure out how. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Madam Haig! She tells Jack that she’s been brought back into CTU because Bill has been incapacitated, but that Bill should be OK in a few hours. Jack starts to ask her a question, and she interrupts, saying that he hasn’t filled out any TPS reports on what happened yesterday, and she needs them right away. Jack makes some buzzing noises into the phone, tells her the line has a lot of static on it, and hangs up on her.

7:16 pm – Curtis, Jack and Chloe drive up to a Hollywood Studio. As they drive up to the guard gate, the guard takes one look at them and waves them through. Jack tells Curtis to park the car.

7:17 pm – We hear gunshots! Jack sprints towards where the gunshots came from, Curtis and Chloe running behind him. He turns the corner, and sees a man facing away from him yelling, “I’m from CTU! Put down your weapons and come out with your hands up!” A voice over a loudspeaker yells, “And, CUT!” Curtis and Chloe catch up with Jack. The man turns around. He looks just like Jack!

7:20 pm – Chloe says, “OK, things are getting a little ‘Twilight Zone-y’ here”. The man sees Jack, Curtis and Chloe standing there, and starts to walk over to them. There’s a huge explosion across the lot where the man was standing just moments before. The man is thrown to the ground.

7:23 pm – Jack’s phone rings. It’s Madam Haig again. She tells Jack not to hang up. She says that she had nothing to do with what he’s seeing right now. Jack says that’s great, because neither did he. Jack asks her what the heck is going on. There’s total chaos everywhere. Curtis points up at the roof at a man pulling a grenade launcher off his shoulder. Jack goes running towards that building. Haig explains that they’ve sold the rights to what’s been happening to Jack and CTU to a television production company. Jack says that he doesn’t have time for this, and hangs up again. He runs up several flights of stairs.

7:25 pm – Jack reaches the roof of the building, bursts through, and stops short. The man that fired the grenade launcher is pointing the gun at Jack! He tells Jack, “Marwan will be happy to see that you’re dead, Mr. Bauer”. Jack points up at the sky and says, “Look out! A robot!” The man says, “Nice try, Mr…” and WHAM! He gets hit with what looks like a HUGE chicken leg. The man goes hurdling across the sky, landing with a crash several blocks away. RoboEdgar hit the guy with one of Godzilla’s barbequed legs! RoboEdgar moves towards Jack, and says “Glowie toed Edgar two hep Jag.” Chloe and Curtis burst through to the roof, as Jack pats RoboEdgar on the shoulder and says, “Good job, Edgar. Good job.”

7:27 pm – Jack is talking with some of the authorities that have arrived on the scene after the explosion. Jack phone rings. Jack puts it on speakerphone mode, and yells into the phone that he doesn’t have time for this. Marwan’s voice over the phone, says, “Oh, I think you’ll have time for this, Mr. Bauer. You see, I have Ms. Raines in a situation that I think you’ll be interested in. You’ll find her at 5333 Zoo Drive.”

7:29 pm – Jack turns pale. Chloe just says, “Oh, oh. This isn’t good.” She sees Curtis’ perplexed look, and tells him that the one place that Jack doesn’t like to go is the zoo.

Commercial

7:34 pm – Curtis is driving Jack and Chloe to the Los Angeles Zoo. RoboEdgar follows along behind. Well, above and behind. He’s flying over the car. Everyone in the car is oblivious to the number of car accidents that this is causing because of people seeing a large flying robot. Jack is looking straight ahead and mumbling to himself.

7:37 pm – Curtis asks what’s wrong with the zoo. Upon hearing the word “Zoo”, Jack twitches and continues to talk to himself. Chloe tells Curtis not to use that word again, and explains that early in his career at CTU, Jack was attacked at a Zoo, and it brings up a lot of bad memories for him. Curtis looks like he doesn’t believe Chloe, and suggests that they take Jack to see the elephants, zebras and snakes. Jack doesn’t seem to be convinced.

7:40 pm – Chloe goes on to explain that the attack wasn’t from an enemy; it was when he had taken his daughter Kim to the zoo. Jack got a little to close to the snake pit, and he fell in. They had been able to get Jack back out again, but he never wanted to go to the zoo again.

7:43 pm – Chloe tells Jack that everything is going to be OK. It’s time that he faces the one fear that he has in his life. Jack asks if she means seeing Manilow as president again. Chloe tells him the OTHER fear in his life. Jack says, “Oh, you mean hearing Audrey sing?” Chloe shudders, and says, “OK, never mind. Listen to me Jack. This is about snakes”. Jack seems a lot calmer now, but still hesitant.

Commercial

7:48 pm – They arrive at the Los Angeles Zoo, just as it is closing. Jack flashes his CTU badge, and they enter the zoo. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Marwan. He says, “Very good, Mr. Bauer. Now, we have a bomb placed somewhere in the zoo. Let’s see if you can find it.”

7:52 pm – Jack, Chloe, and Curtis head towards the reptile building. RoboEdgar has wandered off some place. Jack seems to be getting more and more nervous. Suddenly, he stops. Jack says, “Look, you two might think this is an irrational fear. I’m telling you right now, there are reports on news every single day of snakes being everywhere they shouldn’t be. I read about this stuff on the Internet all the time – There are websites that post news like this all the time! I could be wrong, but I don’t think so.”

7:53 pm – Chloe rolls her eyes, and mumbles, “I can’t believe I’m going to say this”. She says, “Jack, you have to do this. You have to do this to save….AAARGH. Curtis, I can’t say it. YOU say it.” Curtis shakes his head, and says, “Jack? You have to do this for Audrey, Jack.” Now it’s Curtis’ turn to shudder.

7:54 pm – They enter the reptile building. Jack says that they better leave, because it sounds like a gas leak in there. Chloe punches him in the arm, and tells him that hissing noise is coming from all the snakes. They make their way around the exhibits, but don’t see anyone. In fact, there’s a lot of hissing, but they only see one snake. The extra hissing noise seems to be coming from speaker. They notice a sign-out sheet, which is apparently used by the zoo to keep track of who has rented snakes for the night.

7:57 pm – There’s a strange noise coming from outside that’s getting louder and louder. Jack recognizes the noise and tells Curtis and Chloe they have to get out of the building as fast as they can. They run through the doors, and they see two planes headed right for the snake house. They run as fast as they can, and the plane crashes into the building, causing a huge explosion. Curtis looks back on the building and says, “Huh…. I guess that’s “Planes on a Snake.” Chloe threatens to taser him.

7:59pm – There’s a huge amount of screaming happening nearby. They all start running for the noise, and run straight for the monkey cages. Jack’s phone rings. It’s Marwan, and he says “Ah, I see you’ve found her. I wish you luck, Mr. Bauer, that bomb is set to go off any time now”. Jack looks around, and realizes that all the monkeys are on either side of the cage trying to get away from whatever is in the middle. The monkey look completely freaked out to be anywhere near the object in the middle of the cage. As he steps closer, Jack realizes…. It’s Audrey, and she’s surrounded by the rest of the snakes from the reptile house! It’s not apparent if the monkeys are more freaked out about the snakes or Audrey.

8:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Jack enlists the aid of Ching KaChing’s brother, Badabing, a fireworks specialist. After a long battle, Jack and RoboEdgar are able to blow up Godzilla, and street vendors start selling giant lizard sandwiches. In the midst of a street riot of protesters protesting against violence, Jack is unable to reach CTU by phone.

The following occurred between 6 pm and 7 pm, unless it didn’t, in which case you’re really reading about a secret lost episode of “Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood” that was never aired because it might have frightened the children more than the regular show did. We’ll have to check with the typewriter monkeys that wrote this.

6:00 pm – Police cars start to arrive to try and break up the protester riot. Immediately, several protesters switch to anti-police brutality signs, which they continue to use to beat each other over the head.

6:01 pm – Janosz sits in a car on a hill, watching as the police arrive. He gets out of the car, pulls out a shiny metal disk from the trunk. He adjusts some controls on the side of the disk, switching it from the “Okey Dokey” setting to “Evil”. Janosz steps back and pulls a small device from his pocket. He speaks into the device and says “Beam him down!” A man that looks remarkably like Julian Bashir from “Star Trek: Deep Space Nine” materializes. You can tell that he’s evil because he’s wearing a typical evil bad guy beard. He’s also wearing a “Ask Me How I Can Do Evil For You Today” t-shirt.

6:02 pm – Janosz says, “Either I made a serious mistake, and you’re from AOL, or you’re…” “Julian” looks at Janosz, and says “Take me to my brother, Marwan!” Janosz looks confused, and says “Oh! You mean Vigo!” and drives away.

6:03 pm – Jack tosses the phone to Chloe and asks her if there’s something wrong with it. Chloe slowly starts to explain how to dial a phone, and Jack grabs it back from her, and tells her that the situation is really serious. Jack tries dialing CTU again.

6:04 pm – A sedan pulls up to the scene. A young blonde woman and a man in a beige suit gets out of the car. The man holds his hands out in front of him, palms out, and looks through his hands, surveying the protesters. He walks near Jack, Chloe and Curtis. Ching and Badabing are still close by, and they hear him mumble that the protesters are filthy.

6:06 pm – Jack introduces himself to the man and woman, and the man immediately asks the woman for a wipe after shaking Jack’s hand. The man asks, “Jack Bower? Are you some kind of Euchre fanatic?” The woman apologizes and says her name is Natalie. The man walks away, his hands up, still looking at the scene. Natalie explains that they’re consultants to the police. The man sees Godzilla’s remains all over Alcatraz Island, and mumbles, “Oh my, they’re going to need a GIANT wipe for that! Natalie!”

6:08 pm – Chloe asks Natalie what the “wipes” are all about. Natalie explains that her boss is obsessive-compulsive. Natalie leans in close to Chloe and says she’s made a fortune in the stock market in companies that make wipes since she started working for this guy.

6:09 pm – The man suddenly stops, looks at Jack and quickly turns squints and points at Godzilla. The man says “You’re lucky you’re still here, after that misfired rocket.” Jack looks startled, and asks how he knows about that. The man points at Badabing, and says “He’s the one you should be asking. He nearly got you killed!” Badabing’s eyes widen, and he runs off towards the crowd.

6:11 pm – Jack, Curtis, and Chloe have bewildered looks on their faces. Chloe asks “Who are you??” The man points where Badabing disappeared, and says “He’s getting away!” Jack, who has his back towards Badabing, sighs, takes off his shoe and tosses it over his shoulder. The shoe flies through the air, and smacks Badabing in the head. The police surround him. Jack goes to retrieve his shoe.

Commercial

6:16 pm – Jack asks how the man knew about the rocket. The man says that that scorch marks on Jack’s hands and clothes indicate that either Jack had a rocket blow up in his hands, or that Jack has incredibly dirty sneezes. The man shudders at the thought of this. The man says that he recognized Badabing from some police photos, knew his name was “Badabing”, and that he’s connected with a Chinese “family”. He tells Jack that if that really was Badabing, Jack is lucky to be alive.

6:18 pm – Curtis asks, “Are you telling me that he was a Chinese ‘Hit Man’?” The man says, “I believe they like to use the term ‘Life Cycle Expeditors’.” Chloe suggests, whoever he was with, he should ask his sister what’s going on. They look around, but Ching is gone. Chloe then asks everyone where RoboEdgar is, because he also seems to be missing.

6:20 pm – Jack thanks Natalie and the man, and tells Curtis and Chloe they have to get to CTU right away, since Jack still can’t reach them by phone. Jack slaps the phone into his palm to emphasize the point, and the phone immediately rings. They all stare at the phone for a second and Jack answers the phone.

6:22 pm – Jack says “This is Jack Bauer”. A voice at the other end says, “Ssshh! It’s him! Quiet! … Jack CPU? Is this Bauer calling?”. There’s laughing in the background. The voice continues, “I mean, ‘CPU? This is Jack Bauer’”. Jack hesitates, and then asks “Bill? Is that you?” The voice at the other end says, “He knows it’s us! Hang up the ph…”. The phone call ends.

6:24 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack are on their way back to CTU. Jack tells Curtis that there’s something he’s been meaning to do for the last 12 hours, and whispers something to Curtis. Curtis nods in agreement, and pulls over in a gas station. Jack runs in. A few seconds later, Jack comes running out holding a key chain with a key, a large piece of wood, and a fake beer bottle with the words “Buckwiser – The King of Deers” written on the side of it. Jack runs into the rest room.

Commercial

6:29 pm – Jack leaves the rest room, returns the key. Outside of the station, a woman runs up to Jack with a piece of paper and asks for his autograph. He signs the paper and runs back to the car. The car continues back towards CTU. They drive several blocks, trying to figure out what might have happened to RoboEdgar. Jack asks Chloe to please try and figure out why all these people want his autograph.

6:30 pm – Janosz drives up to a non-descript building that has a sign that says “Nope! No terrorists here! Nuh, uh! No way!”. Janosz and Julian get out of the car and enter the building. Janosz yells out, “Vigo! I have a surprise for you!” Marwan steps out from another room, a big smile across his face. “Julian! We are reunited!”.

6:32 pm – Several thugs and henchmen enter the building behind Janosz. One of the thugs yells, “Marwan! We have set off the gas canisters! Dial your video cell phone to watch the aftermath of our destruction! Mahahahahaha!” Marwan stands up and shoots the thug, and says “If there is one thing I can’t stand more than a really melodramatic statement, it is having to use my own cell phone’s air time to watch the destruction of my enemies instead of watching it on my giant screen TV. ….WELL?” The remaining thugs run around trying to figure out how to use their own cell phones to connect to the television.

6:34 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack arrive outside of CTU. The parking lot is very quiet. The cars, pedestrians and birds are all pretty loud, but the parking lot is very quiet.

6:35 pm – One of the thugs is able to connect his own cell phone to the giant screen television at Marwan’s evil lair, and an image of Curtis, Chloe and Jack appears on the screen. The thug explains that they will be able to observe what’s happening in CTU by using the other cameras they have tapped into there.

Commercial

6:41 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack, completely unaware of the gas that has been released at CTU, enter the building. They slowly enter the building.

6:42 pm – Marwan points at the screen and tells Julian, “See the destruction of my enemies!” One of the thugs in the background says something about it being OK for Marwan to be melodramatic, but no one else. Marwan hears this, turns around and shoots the thug. Of the henchmen says, “Hey! You didn’t even shoot him in the thigh!” Marwan shoots this guy too, and says “Hello?”, points to himself and says “Evil!”

6:44 pm – Loud “Barry Manilow” is being played from somewhere in front of them as Jack, Chloe, and Curtis make their way further into the building. Chloe starts to cry and tells Jack and Curtis that the poor people inside must be being tortured.

6:45 pm – One of the remaining thugs desperately tries to get the camera angle to change to what is happening inside CTU, but can’t do it. Marwan shoots this guy too. Marwan orders one of the other thugs to get the camera to work.

6:48 pm – Curtis, Chloe and Jack jump into the room, all three of them in Flank Two position. To all of their horror, all around them are bodies. All of the bodies are alive; that’s not the horrible part. The horrible part is they’re all taking part in karaoke, trying to sing “Copacabana”. Jack starts to feel light-headed, and tells Curtis and Chloe they need to start trying to get people out of the building.

6:50 pm – The thug finally gets the camera connection inside CTU to work, and Marwan lets out a scream as he realizes that no one inside CTU is dead. Marwan turns to the man that set up the gas canister inside CTU, and yells at him. “WHERE DID YOU GET THAT CANISTER?” The man goes pale, and stammers that he stole it from a dentist’s office.

6:52 pm – Julian helpfully points out that it was probably Classical Gas they used, since they try and mellow people out in dentist offices. The man runs out of the building, Marwan trying to fire his gun. This guy is lucky that Marwan has run out of bullets.

Commercial

6:56 pm – The phone rings, and Marwan answers it. It’s The Hollywood Writer Looking Guy. Hollywood tells Marwan that he has also been monitoring what has been going on. Hollywood tells Marwan that unless he starts following the real plan, Jack Bauer will escape again and again. Marwan screams in a fit of rage and slams down the phone.

6:57 pm – Outside of CTU, Jack helps Bill out of the building, while making a phone call to get some ambulances to help everyone else. Jack tells Curtis and Chloe that they need to get Bill to a doctor right away, since he seems to have gotten the brunt of the gas.

6:58 pm – Bill is humming the song “Mandy” to himself as Jack, Chloe and Curtis try and get him into the car. They finally do it, and Curtis drives off. Then he backs up and picks up Chloe and Jack. They drive off at high speed.

6:59 pm – A short way down the road, Curtis slams on the breaks and screams. Jack looks up and reassures Curtis that the thing he sees is called a “red light” and they happen from time to time. Curtis shakes his head, still unable to speak, and points at the billboard on top of one of the buildings in this distance. Jack and Chloe let out screams too. The camera pans around, and we see what they’ve so scared of. It’s a giant picture of Ex-President Manilow, wearing a wig. Underneath the picture are the words “Join Us For Sunday Services on Channel 43”. Just when you thought he couldn’t sink any lower, Ex-President Manilow has resorted to becoming a televangelist.

7:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time: Audrey received an award for performance art after being strapped to a bridge and nearly blown up, and was taken away to a hospital. Jack discovers that Marwan is back, and has obtained protective thigh armor from KaChing’s Thigh Armor Emporium. Chloe and RoboEdgar arrive from the Midwest. Godzilla makes an appearance right outside of KaChing’s, and seems impervious to bullets.

The following occurred between 5 pm and 6 pm, but we’re pretty easily distracted so it might….Oooo! Shiny!

5:00 pm – Curtis looks at Jack and asks him why something like this always happens at the top of the hour, but Jack is too busy trying to dodge Godzilla. Godzilla is also busy, mainly stomping on things with his enormous feet, making subcompact cars much more sub and compact.

5:01 pm – Janosz is on the phone with the Hollywood-Looking Script Writer Guy (HLSW), trying to explain that he was trying to conjure up the Stay-Puft marshmallow Man (SPMM), when he accidentally conjured up Godzilla instead.

5:03 pm – Godzilla is still stamping on things, and comes really close to hitting Chloe. RoboEdgar doesn’t like this one bit. He smashes into a Chinese restaurant storefront, grabs a bunch of food in both hands, and eats it. He then fires his rockets, zooming up and hitting Godzilla with a surprising amount of speed for a robot the size of a large walrus.

5:04 pm – For the first time in recorded cinematic history we, the audience, hear Godzilla say “Ooof”.

5:05 pm – RoboEdgar hits Godzilla so hard that Godzilla hurdles over San Francisco and lands in the bay near Alcatraz Island in San Francisco Bay. Several kids touring the island with their parents yell “Fake!” RoboEdgar follows, and continues to fight Godzilla on the shore of the island.

5:07 pm – Chloe tells Jack that he needs to do something about Godzilla, and Jack says that he’s working on it. Jack turns to Ching and asks if she knows where they can get some really powerful fireworks. Ching looks at Jack like he just sat down in a Chinese restaurant and ordered a hamburger, and tells him of course she does.

5:08 pm – Ching tells Jack that her brother, Badabing, has a fireworks outlet nearby, and that it would just take a few minutes to get there. They all leave and head up the street. A black net drops out of no where, missing Jack by inches. Jack doesn’t notice this.

Commercial

5:13 pm – RoboEdgar continues to fight Godzilla on Alcatraz Island. Many Japanese tourists are taking pictures like crazy, while some of the island tour guides start to try and charge extra money for the “special show” that’s happening right now.

5:14 pm – Ching, Jack, Chloe and Curtis all enter a store labeled “Badabing KaChing’s Amazing Firework Things”. Ching hastily introduces everyone to her brother, Badabing. Jack asks Badabing if he has anything really powerful, like a rocket. Badabing asks Jack what color rocket he wants.

5:16 pm – Marwan is watching the fight out in the bay, using a pair of binoculars. Janosz says, “Begging Vigo’s pardon, but I think that Jack Bauer will soon be gone”. Marwan shoves the binoculars to Janosz’s hands, and tells him that unless Jack has gained about a hundred pounds and is now chrome-plated, it is definitely not Jack out in the bay fighting Godzilla right now. Marwan says that he’ll have to go to “Plan G” for killing Jack. Janosz jokes that at this rate, they might run out of alphabet. From the look on Marwan’s face, he either had a bad egg for breakfast, or he didn’t appreciate Janosz’s comment.

5:19 pm – Using his amazing powers of traffic free driving, Curtis arrives with Jack, Chloe, Badabing, and Ching at San Francisco Bay where RoboEdgar continues to fight Godzilla. Chloe tells Jack that he better hurry up, because RoboEdgar looks as though he’s resorted to splashing water in Godzilla’s eyes, and it doesn’t look like it’s having much effect. Jack steps out of the car, and heads back towards the trunk just as a car goes with a large hook on the side that just misses Jack. Jack doesn’t notice this as he unloads several rockets and heads towards the shoreline.

5:21 pm – Cheney-Looking-Guy (CLG) is in the LA Presidential Office with newly appointed President, Wayne Palmer. President Wayne isn’t so sure this whole “being president” thing is going to work out very well, since the last two didn’t end up all that well. He also doubts anyone will really vote for him in an election. CLG says that President Wayne is a cinch for two reasons: 1) He isn’t Manilow and 2) Everyone liked President All-State, and people would figure that President Wayne would be a pretty good guy too. CLG finally reassures President Wayne that going to talk to the general public be sure that this is a good idea and also wearing a Presidential Bullet Proof Jacket alleviate a lot of his fears.

5:24 pm – As his second official act as President, Wayne calls California to find out if they can rename he movie “Snakes on a Plane”, because it’s a silly name.

Commercial

5:29 pm – Jack has commandeered a jet ski – which is law enforcement talk for “taken” – from a very bewildered tourist that has been watching the Godzilla and RoboEdgar fight. Jack is now jet skiing his way towards RoboEdgar and Godzilla.

5:30 pm – Several protesters are trying to organize next to the water, and are trying to figure whether they’re protesting: 1) The violence in the fight between RoboEdgar and Godzilla; 2) Cruelty to animals; 3) Cruelty to robots. They decide to go with “Cruelty to animals”.

5:32 pm – Jack tries firing one of Badabing’s rockets using a rocket launcher and points it at Godzilla, but it just shoots streamers. Jack looks towards the shore and Badabing shrugs, and motions for Jack to try another rocket. Jack picks up another rocket, and this time it really lets loose, nearly knocking Jack off his jet ski. The rocket misses Godzilla.

5:34 pm – RoboEdgar, however, is very distracted by the rocket, since it nearly hits him instead. He looks down and sees Jack. Jack mouths the word “Sorry!” give RoboEdgar a weak smile.

5:36 pm – RoboEdgar flies down, scoops up Jack, just as four scuba divers surface and try and grab Jack from the jet skit. RoboEdgar and Jack fly back up towards Godzilla. Jack lights the rockets using RoboEdgar’s jet flames, and throws them towards Godzilla.

5:37 pm – In a remarkably athletic catch for such are large monster, Godzilla grabs the rockets, which as it turns out is also a remarkably stupid thing to do, because they explode. Jack and RoboEdgar are thrown far away from the explosion and land in the water.

5:38 pm – The spectacular explosion completely barbecues Godzilla, and throws the lizard’s body on top of the Alcatraz prison building. (This is perhaps one of the finest special effects ever filmed, but unfortunately you’ll just have to take my word for it). Food vendors on the island immediately start selling an “Exploded Fried Lizard Sandwich” special.

5:41 pm – The crowd on shore applauds. Curtis and Chloe don’t see Jack or RoboEdgar anywhere!

Commercial

5:46 pm – Marwan orders some of his thugs to retrieve some gas canisters so that the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. One of the thugs as “For all? For all, what?” Marwan shoots him and asks another one of his thugs to retrieve some gas canisters so that the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. This thug points out that they already tried to use gas canisters, and that didn’t work out very well. Marwan shoots this thug too. Marwan asks a third thug to retrieve some gas canisters so the job at CTU can be completed once and for all. This thug doesn’t ask any questions, and leaves.

5:48 pm – Chloe and Curtis are getting pretty upset at not seeing Jack and RoboEdgar, and even more upset because of the more immediate problem of the protesters freaking out about the Godzilla explosion. The protesters are trying to change to “non-violence” protest signs but there don’t seem to be enough signs. A large riot starts when the protesters start hitting each other with their signs.

5:51 pm – Chloe gets on the phone with CTU to tell them about Godzilla, Jack and RoboEdgar. Bill tells her they’ll get a search and rescue squad sent out right away, and hangs up. Chloe tasers a vendor that tries to sell her a “Godzilla vs. The Big Robot” T-shirt.

5:53 pm – Chloe tells Curtis to stop setting up a perimeter for a minute, and asks him what they can do to try and help Jack. Curtis says he’s not sure. A man wearing a “I saw the Godzilla vs The Big Robot Fight” hat asks for Chloe’s autograph, and she asks him why he would want her autograph. He says that he likes her TV show, and the autograph would mean a lot to his kids. She signs the paper.

5:54 pm – A young child screams, “Whale!” and points towards the water. Chloe grabs Curtis’ binoculars which are still slung around his neck, nearly knocking him over. She scans the water to see what the kid is screaming about.

5:55 pm – Loud triumphant music plays in the background. Off in the water, RoboEdgar is propelling himself through the water, Jack sitting on RoboEdgar’s back. They’re headed for shore. Chloe tries to tell Curtis what she sees. Curtis can’t hear her. Chloe suddenly grabs Curtis’s gun, fires three times in the air and the symphony orchestra playing on the platform next to them stops playing. She tells Curtis that Jack and RoboEdgar are OK.

5:58 pm – Jack and RoboEdgar arrive on shore, watching the protesters that are beating each other up as they walk toward Chloe and Curtis. Chloe gives both of them a big hug. RoboEdgar looks a bit distracted, as if he really wants to head to Alcatraz for a lizard sandwich.

5:59 pm – Chloe tells Jack that someone just came up to her for an autograph, and it’s really starting to creep her out, even more than Miles did. Jack agrees that something really weird is going on, since Godzilla just doesn’t make appearances like that either. Jack tries to call CTU, and for the first time ever, no one answers the phone.

6:00 pm – Time’s up!

Last Time:

Ex-President Manilow auditioned for a role on a TV show, but was turned down because he didn’t make a convincing enough President. RoboEdgar ate a giant crop circle into a cornfield, and is now flying with Chloe to San Francisco to meet Jack and Curtis. Audrey has been kidnapped again, and is currently duct-taped and roped to the side of the Golden Gate Bridge. The kidnappers have giant speakers duct-taped to the bridge and a microphone duct-taped to Audrey’s mouth, and are threatening to turn on the speakers to destroy San Francisco unless they get their ransom.

4:00 pm – Jack tells Curtis that the person with the ransom demand must be close to where they are, because they knew who and when to call. Curtis tells Jack that he really needs to get a new unlisted phone number. Jack tells him that he’s locked into his current rate plan, and that it’ll cost a lot of money to get out of the contract. A man comes up to them and tries to interrupt them. Curtis suggests that Jack just pay the fee, and start with a new contract and a new carrier. The man says “Excuse me!” Jack says that he really likes his JackPhone. Frustrated, the man yells at them and asks if they know anything about the woman up on the bridge. Jack says, “Oh, right!” Curtis and Jack start climbing up the hill towards one end up the bridge.

4:03 pm – Traffic is non-existent on the bridge, but there are a lot of people on the other end, and they’re headed towards Jack and Curtis. The people are carrying a sign that says, “San Francisco Kumbaya Art Festival”. Jack is looking all around, trying to figure out where the ransom caller is hiding. Jack looks farther up the steel beams, and sees someone. Jack says, “It’s Marwan!” Curtis tells Jack that Marwan can’t be up there, because he’s dead. Jack agrees with Curtis that Marwan did die, but says this is probably a form of dead that they were previously unfamiliar with. Marwan swings down onto the ledge near Audrey, but hides behind a beam.

4:05 pm – Marwan is making his way around the cabling above Audrey, who is desperately trying to chew her way through the duct-tape. Jack pulls out his gun and points it towards Marwan. Curtis tells Jack that if he shoot Marwan, he better shoot him in the thigh, because if he doesn’t, no one will believe that Marwan was really alive. Everyone will think that he and Jack just dug up Marwan and were using him for target practice. Jack agrees that not only is this plausible enough for people to believe that, it’s also one heck of a good idea and wishes that Curtis had mentioned this idea before.

4:07 pm – Curtis tells Jack that he better be quick because the crowd is almost where Audrey is, and if they hit a civilian, they’ll be lots of questions, paperwork, notes of apology, etc. Jack tells Curtis that he can make the shot, and shoots! We hear a loud “KaChing!” Marwan just laughs. Marwan yells, “Protective thigh armor, Mr. Bauer!” and swings over the edge, just as the people approach the middle of the bridge.

4:09 pm – Jack and Curtis run to where Audrey is duct-taped. As they’re running, a woman at the front of the parade, stops at Audrey, loudly announces “Congratulations! You’ve won Second Place in the Performance Art category in this year’s festival!”, and slaps a ribbon on top of Audrey’s head. This jars some of the duct-tape that had been holding Audrey to the bridge, loosening both of her head and hands…but not her feet. Audrey swings down, and is now facing head down, towards the water, feet hanging from ropes that are duct-taped to the bridge. Audrey looks a bit surprised and unhappy at this turn of events. Marwan can’t be seen. Jack reaches the edge of the bridge, and starts to climb down to reach Audrey, despite Curtis’s pleas not to go down there.

Commercial

4:13 pm – Jack reaches Audrey, and tells her that everything is going to be OK. Audrey’s really screaming now, but it’s pretty muffled by the duct tape. She’s nodding her head towards Jack. Jack tells her to stop moving around so much, and to quit ticking. Jack stops and thinks about this for a second, realizing that of all the noises he’s ever heard Audrey make, ticking was not one of them.

4:14 pm – Jack turns his head in the direction of the noise, and sees a bomb that’s been duct-taped under the bridge, just out of reach. The bomb is labeled “Bauer-Away! Get rid of the pesky Bauers in your life.” It has a note that says “Goodbye, Mr. Bauer”.

4:15 pm – Jack swings to the beam, takes out a knife and cuts the bomb loose from the bridge. It falls into the water and explodes.

4:16 pm – Jack swings back to Audrey, grabs her, and starts to climb up. When they reach the top, the people in the parade applaud, and the woman that gave Audrey second place comes up to Jack and hands him the first place ribbon, apologizing for not waiting until the end of the performance. Police cars arrive.

4:18 pm – Curtis says that something is wrong with Audrey, and Jack realizes that Curtis is right. Audrey isn’t making any sort of noise whatsoever. She just has a wide-eyed shocked look on her face. Jack calls Bill, and lets him know what happened, and Audrey’s current state. Bill congratulates Jack for finally figuring out how to shut Audrey up.

4:19 pm – Several ambulances arrive. Two men get out of one of them. It’s the two drivers that had previously tried to take Audrey to the hospital. They take one look at her, and run back to the ambulance and drive away. A couple of the other medics arrive, put Audrey on a gurney, and put her in the ambulance. They drive away. Just as Curtis is congratulating Jack, they hear a huge explosion to the south. Jack flashes his CTU ID to one of the police officers. The officer says that he loves the show, and tells him to take the car. Jack looks at Curtis and Curtis shrugs. They jump into the car, headed to the sound of the explosion.

Commercial

4:24 pm – Hollywood is on the phone, arguing with Janosz. Hollywood is really mad that with all the effort they’ve made today, Jack is still alive, AND they have Marwan running loose on the streets. Hollywood tells Janosz, that he better find a good way to control Marwan, because he’s afraid that Marwan is just crazy enough to get Jack AND the rest of them. Janosz says he has just the plan to get Marwan AND Jack, and tells Hollywood that he’s headed for Golden Gate Park.

4:25 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at a tourist area, just outside some kind of chocolate store. People are running and screaming in every direction. As they get out of the car, they see Chloe emerge from the building. She sees Jack and she tells him that RoboEdgar is inside, and that it’s all her fault. While they were traveling back to the West Coast, she said something about wanting a piece of chocolate, and RoboEdgar headed straight for Ghirardelli Square. Jack tells Curtis to go inside, find RoboEdgar. He tells Curtis he wants RoboEdgar to fly back to CTU and wait for further instructions.

4:28 pm – Bill calls Jack tells him that the “KaChing” noise that Marwan’s thigh armor made is manufactured in the China Town area of San Francisco, and the “KaChing Thigh Armor Emporium”. Curtis returns to tell Jack that RoboEdgar is in no mood to go back to CTU, and that he wants to stay with Chloe. Chloe goes back to talk to RoboEdgar, who for some reason is signing autographs for people who are a lot less hysterical than they were a few minutes ago. Chloe convinces RoboEdgar to fly slowly behind the car that Jack is driving. They head to China Town.

Commercial

4:31 pm – Janosz arrives at the Japanese Tea Garden in Golden Gate Park. He finds a secluded area, and pulls out three stones from his pocket which he puts into a triangle, and starts casting a magic spell, asking for help in getting rid of Jack Bauer, and getting Marwan under control.

4:34 pm – Jack, Chloe and Curtis feel a really strong rumbling noise. Jack thinks it might have been RoboEdgar screwing around, and tells Chloe to tell him to stop doing that. Chloe leans out the window to yell at RoboEdgar.

4:35 pm – As they head for China Town, Jack tells Chloe that he’s been noticing something really weird going on, and that people have started to recognize him. Curtis said that the same thing is happening to him. Chloe says she noticed the same thing about RoboEdgar, and that someone had asked her to “not taser him”. Jack tells Chloe to connect to the computers at CTU, and see if she can figure what’s going on.

4:37 pm – Another rumbling noise, and they all turn to look at RoboEdgar, which was probably a bad idea, because Jack was driving. Fortunately, Jack doesn’t hit anyone.

4:39 pm – The car arrives at the KaChing Thigh Armor Emporium. Chloe asks Edgar to wait outside, and not get into any trouble. Curtis and Jack go inside, while Chloe uses a laptop computer inside the police car to connect to CTU.

Commercial

4:44 pm – Jack speaks with, Ching KaChing, the owner. Another, stronger tremor hits, and Ching says that it’s nothing to worry about since earthquake tremors happen in San Francisco all the time. Jack questions her about the orders for thigh armor they get. She explains that there are quite a few orders from all over the country, with a surge of them on Tuesday mornings for some reason. Curtis asks if there are any good Sushi restaurants in the area, and Ching tells him that this is CHINA town, not JAPAN town.

4:47 pm – Jack asks if Ching has filled any “strange” orders lately. Ching says that they get a lot of strange orders in this town, but the weirdest lately was a request for armor for “Prince Vigo the Carpathian” from someone named Janosz Poha. An even stronger tremor hits, knocking over a few thigh armor displays. Ching looks a little concerned.

4:50 pm – Chloe runs into the store, and tells Jack she found something. She said that the computers at CTU didn’t show up anything at all, but that something really weird was happening down in Los Angeles on one of the television studios.

Commercial

4:56 pm – There’s a loud crash outside. Jack tells Chloe that RoboEdgar must have seen a restaurant, and they better go get him before he causes more damage. Curtis yells, “GODZILLA!” Ching hits him in the shoulder, and tells him that not only is Godzilla, again a JAPANESE monster, but saying stuff like this is not the least bit funny. Curtis is shakes his head and points out the window. The only thing you can see out the window is a giant foot where their police car used to be.

4:57 pm – Jack receives a phone call from Bill, who says that they’ve traced some kind of massive disturbance which appears to have started around the Japanese Tea Garden at Golden Gate Park, and is currently somewhere in China Town. Jack tells Bill, “Thanks for the tip”, and hangs up.

4:58 pm – Jack, Curtis, Chloe and Ching all run outside. It’s Godzilla, all right. Ching takes one look at the monster, tells the rest of the group that it’s been nice meeting them, but that she has to go. She runs back inside, slams the door shut, and shutters the windows.

4:59 pm – Many of the buildings on the street are destroyed, and people are, in general, freaking out. Curtis and Jack both take aim at Godzilla and fire their guns, but it has no effect.

5:00 pm – Time’s up!

OK… Word of warning this time. Some of the references in here will make no sense to you if you haven’t been paying attention to Dave Barry’s blog.

Come to think of it, some of this might not make sense even if you were paying attention to Dave’s blog.

….Well, anyway, here goes….

Last Time:

Chloe disabled RoboEdgar by feeding him a granola bar. Through some tricky maneuvering, Cheney Looking Guy (CLG) was able to get Wayne Palmer, President Allstate’s brother, installed as president. Jack discovered his Amish heritage. RoboEdgar reveals that everything that has been happening today has been a plot to kill Jack. Jack receives a call and finds out that Audrey was kidnapped and is being held hostage (again). Jack and Curtis are trying to make their way back to California, while Chloe stays behind to repair RoboEdgar.

The following was scheduled to have happened between 3 pm and 4 pm, but was nearly delayed because the flight from New York was late. Fortunately, they’ve arrived on schedule, so please put your tray tables in an upright and locked position.

3:00 pm – Jack calls Bill to let him know that Audrey has been kidnapped. Bill says he knows, and that it’s Jack’s big chance to get out of the relationship. Jack ignores this and tells Bill to send out a team of experts to try and find out which group has taken Audrey.

3:03 pm – Bill quickly assembles some of the cleaning crew and gives them strict instructions to try and find Audrey.

3:04 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at Curtis’ modified Harrier Jet. Jack says that it’ll be good to fly on the inside for once, since he spent most of the time hanging on for dear life to RoboEdgar while they crossed the United States. Curtis said that he had no idea that Jack was that close to RoboEdgar. Jack tries to elbow him in the face, but misses when Curtis ducks! Curtis tells Jack, “You see there? You can fool me once with…” and Jack hits Curtis with his other elbow.

3:06 pm – Marwan tells the henchmen with him that he’s very unimpressed with the choice of kidnapping victims, since no one seems to want to pick her up. Janosz is standing behind Marwan, and tells the henchmen, “Don’t make Vigo angry!” Marwan looks at Janosz and shrugs when he doesn’t understand what the heck Janosz is talking about. Marwan tells the henchmen they need to continue with the plan, and they lead Audrey into the back room.

3:09 pm – Chloe is trying to explain to RoboEdgar that he died, but RoboEdgar doesn’t quite understand what Chloe is talking about. He keeps insisting that he needs to eat. Chloe does a couple of tests and she realizes that RoboEdgar needs to keep eating in order to remain powered. She asks Jonah, the “Amish” doctor that helped Jack where there is a source of food that can help RoboEdgar while she tries to figure out what to do to fix this problem. Jonah points to a cornfield and says that’s the nearest food supply. Chloe leads RoboEdgar to the corn field and tells him he can eat some of the corn, not ALL of the corn, and if he sees any children in that cornfield get out of there RIGHT AWAY. RoboEdgar goes into the cornfield.

Commercial

3:14 pm – On a hunch, the cleaning crew investigating Audrey’s kidnapping stop in on an animal shelter to see if someone has given Audrey up for adoption. They leave after they realize the howling they heard was not Audrey.

3:16 pm – Curtis and Jack are now flying at hypersonic speeds back towards California. Curtis says that he’s in no mood for any more of Jack’s punches, and Jack tells Curtis that he’s sorry, but he’s had a tough couple of days. Curtis says that he’s not surprised since Audrey is involved, but Jack doesn’t notice.

3:18 pm – Manilow is wandering the streets, very depressed that he’s no longer President. He tells himself that he’s going to need a job, and probably go undercover in order to not be arrested for everything that happened during the last day. He also says to himself that it would probably be a good idea anyway, since Mrs. Manilow is probably after him too. A panhandler on the street overhears all this, and presses five dollars into Manilow’s hands saying that he’s heard a lot of stories, but this was the most depressing.

3:23 pm – Chloe is still waiting for RoboEdgar to come out of the field. We can see that cornstalks are flying up in the air at an alarming rate while RoboEdgar eats.

3:24 pm – Bill calls Jack, and tells him there’s a strange disturbance north of San Francisco. Bill says he’s trying to get the details, but he’s not sure what it is. Jack tells him it’s a big city on the west coast, but what’s really important is finding out what the strange disturbance is.

3:25 pm – Johan tries to make small talk with Chloe. Johan tells Chloe that she’d probably like living in the Midwest, and then leans in closer to tell her to tell her something. Instinctively, Chloe pulls her taser out of her purse and zaps him.

Commercial

3:31 pm – Manilow is still wandering the streets when he sees a poster that lists times for auditions for a television show….as President of the United States! Manilow decides that maybe hiding out from everyone isn’t the best idea in the world, and decides to try for the audition. He checks the address and spends a couple of minutes trying to stop people to ask them if they know where the address is. Someone finally stops and points out that the address he’s looking for is where he is right now. The auditions are happening right now, in the building that he’s standing in front of. He walks in.

3:35 pm – Jack and Curtis fly into California on the hypersonic jet, and moments later land the plane. They’re in a parking lot across the street where there’s a huge disturbance at some kind of store. It’s completely mobbed. As they approach, Jack hears a lady say something about seeing a head on a stick. Jack immediately yells, “EVERYONE GET DOWN!” People immediately start trying to dance, and Curtis says if they don’t stop dancing like that, they’ll be arrested. Jack yells that he’s from CTU, and that everyone needs to get down on the ground immediately. He yells to Curtis to set up a perimeter, and Curtis looks happy to do so. Jack enters the building, rushing past a door that says “Book signing”.

3:38 pm – Curtis is doing his best to create a perimeter while people in the crowd ask if he’s someone famous, and asks for his autograph. Several minutes go by. Jack walks out of the book store. He looks completely bewildered. Curtis asks Jack what happened, and Jack explains that there is no terrorist activity going on, but he’s having a hard time trying to figure out what really was going on. Jack says that when he went inside, he saw a crowd of people listening to two men. One of them had a green hat, and the other had a robe with a hood. They were reading from a book. Jack goes on to explain that as soon as he interrupted what was going on and announced “I’m Jack Bauer with CTU!”, everyone immediately went into Flank Two Position. Curtis looks very alarmed by this.

3:42 pm – Jack goes on to explain that several people came up to him and wanted his autograph, and that they loved to watch “his show”. Curtis asks, “What show?” Jack just shakes his head and says he has no idea. Curtis asks, “What about the head on the stick?” Jack says that he saw someone carrying a stick with the picture of a woman’s head on it, and that’s when he left. Curtis tells Jack that someone asked for his autograph too. Jack says that the crowd told them something about “strumpeting”. Jack tells Curtis that something really weird is going on, and they head back to the jet.

3:45 pm – Jack calls Bill. Jack asks if there’s been some sort of leak at CTU. Bill says that he’ll check the plumbing again. Jack rolls his eyes and says that he means an identity leak. Bill doesn’t think there has been, and Jack informs Bill that somehow people at a book signing knew who he was. An assistant comes up to Bill and hands him a slip of paper. Bill says he’ll call Jack back as soon as he can, and hangs up.

Commercial

3:50 pm – Manilow leaves the audition, completely crushed that he wasn’t a convincing enough President of the United States.

3:51 pm – Chloe profusely apologies to Johan for tasering him, saying that it was just a reflex that she has. Johan explains that all he wanted to do was to tell Chloe that she should buy a house out in the Midwest. Chloe takes a step back and puts her hand on her taser again. Johan quickly explains that he meant because everything is much cheaper in the Midwest. Chloe asks what he means by this, and he tells her that they have prices for “outsiders” and different, cheaper, prices for people here in the Midwest. Chloe says something about how that explains the gas station attendant’s comments when they filled up the Jet. The way they’re able to do this it to make everyone believe that nothing is happening in the Midwest, and no one ever checks. Chloe says that she agrees that nothing IS going on in the Midwest, and Johan says she’s catching on. Just as he says this, RoboEdgar emerges from the corn field, and says “Alton Glowie”. Johan looks perplexed, and Chloe says, “He said, ‘All done, Chloe.’”

3:54 pm – Bill calls Jack and tells him that they just received a message from the kidnappers. They have to get to the Golden Gate Bridge as soon as they can, and that they’ll need to bring Chloe. Jack says that Chloe isn’t with them. Jack hangs up and calls Chloe. He tells her that they need her right away. Jack and Curtis jump in the jet and take off.

3:56 pm – Chloe tells RoboEdgar that they need to get to Jack right away. RoboEdgar tells her that he’ll carry her there. Chloe does not like this one bit, but finally agrees. Chloe puts her arms around RoboEdgar’s neck, and RoboEdgar blasts off. As they leave, we see the field that RoboEdgar was just in. There’s a huge crop circle in the middle of it.

3:58 pm – Jack and Curtis arrive at the Golden Gate Bridge, but don’t see anything. Jack’s phone rings. The voice on the other end, says “Mr. Bauer. You must deliver the sum of 10 million dollars to our Swiss bank account by 5 pm today, or San Francisco will suffer the consequences.”

3:59 Jack asks what “consequences”. The voice says, “If the money isn’t delivered, a sound wave so terrible will be unleashed at it will destroy everything in San Francisco”. Jack says he’ll need some proof. The voice says, “I direct your attention to the center of the bridge”. Jack pulls out a small set of binoculars from his JackSack, and looks through them. We see that Audrey has been strapped the bridge, between a huge set of speakers. A microphone is duct-taped to Audrey’s mouth. The voice on the phone says, “Yes, Mr. Bauer, unless the money is delivered, I’m going to turn on that microphone”.

4:00 pm – Time’s up!