Magic Lamp

Last time: Curtis and Jack arrived at the Grand Canyon via the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile just in time to find an explosive-packed toilet in the middle of the tarp that covers the Grand Canyon at night. Ex-President Manilow tried to avoid being confronted by the police at a crime scene, by stealing the headdress of a dancer in Las Vegas. Bill came back to CTU, re-re-re-replacing Madam Haig. Chloe discovered that the Marwans are using the Hokey Pokey toilet company to try to cause riots throughout the nation by installing lo-lo flow toilets at historic monuments and other places where large groups of people gather. Jack and Curtis follow the Marwan brothers to Niagara Falls. The Marwans planned on causing great damage to the falls by setting off a series of explosive charges, but were interrupted by Jack. Jack in turn was interrupted from remaining steady on the wires he was standing on. Marwan has just cut the second wire, which Jack and two of the thugs, who are carrying a toilet packed with explosives, have been hanging onto.

The following occurred between 3 am and 4 am, and is brought to you buy the letters “A”, “E”, “I”, “O”, “U”, and sometimes “Y”.

3:00 am – For the first half of a split second, it occurs to Jack that he really needs to watch more Looney Tunes cartoons, because being able to defy gravity after that rope was cut would come in really handy right about now. The rest of the split second is completely full of Jack thinking a really dirty word as he and the thugs, plus the toilet, fall into the water. The water and Jack are rapidly (no pun intended) headed for the waterfall itself. Marwan laughs as he disappears into the night on the other side of the falls.

Curtis sees Jack fall into the water and tells RoboEdgar to get into the water. RoboEdgar says, “No tanks; Edgar had baff dis week.” Curtis tells him that he meant go get Jack out of the water.

3:01 am – Jack has somehow held onto the wire that was over his head and is trying to pull himself along the wire to safety. The two thugs that were carrying the explosive laden toilet are headed to the edge. Jack struggles with the wire, pausing to try and catch is breath. Suddenly, the wire gives a violent tug and begins rapidly heading for shore. A large explosion goes off sending water high into the sky as the explosive laden toilet hits the rocks near the edge of the falls.

3:02 am – RoboEdgar has attached the end of the wire to a spool that is attached to his forearm and is reeling in Jack. Jack makes it to shore and lets go of the wire. His hands are covered with blood and he has cuts where he was holding on to the wire.

3:03 am – Julian, Marwan, and the remaining thugs are running through the woods trying to make it back to the car they have there. The car is parked right next to a large truck labeled “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. The slogan underneath says, “Yes, it really is what it’s all about.” They pile into the car and drive off.

3:05 am – Ex-President Manilow, in full dancer head dress, sits inside a jail cell in Los Vegas. His escape attempt at the site of the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile theft was about as opposite of successful as he could have hoped. The other prisoners in the cell are all packed tightly into the opposite corner, trying to avoid eye contact with Manilow.

Outside of the police station where Manilow is being held, some of Manilow’s followers holding signs and chanting. After a few minutes of confusion when they were chanting for his execution, they realize their mistake and start chanting for his release.

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3:12 am – Curtis is bandaging Jack’s hands using a handy first aid kit that RoboEdgar produced from his other forearm. Curtis tells Jack that he really likes his jack knife, which almost makes Jack slug Curtis until he realizes he wasn’t talking about the dive into the water, but the knife that Jack is carrying. Curtis borrows it and cuts the gauze to finish bandaging Jack’s hand.

Jack tells Curtis they need to get onto the Marwan brothers trail again as soon as possible. Curtis looks hesitant about taking another flight via RoboEdgar, but Jack tells him that it’s either that or they can swim across the water. Curtis decides the flight won’t be that bad.

3:14 am – Julian and Marwan are driving at high speed down a rural highway. They pass a sign that says, “Speed limit is like 100 kph, eh?” Marwan asks his brother about the “cure” that he mentioned before. Julian tells him that they’ll get to that soon enough. Marwan turns to the two thugs in the back seat, and leers at them. The thugs start shaking uncontrollably.

3:16 am – The guard at the jail says, “Manilow, you have a visitor”. It’s his wife Martha with several Secret Service agents. She tells him, “Well, well… How the mighty have fallen!” He tries to lunge at her through the bars, but the chin strap on the headdress slips and starts to choke him.

He decides to change tactics, and says, “Martha, won’t you be a dear and pay my bail money? I don’t have the dough to pay them. If you don’t have it, you might be able to use your female persuasiveness on them.” One of Manilow’s cellmates pipes up and says, “Dough? From a dear? A female dear”? The rest the guys in the cell sing, “Ray – a drop of golden sun!” Manilow turns and tells them to shut up. When he turns back, Martha tells him, “You got into this mess — you get yourself out of it.” She leaves.

3:18 am – Curtis, Jack and RoboEdgar are running through the forest in the general direction that the Marwans went. Jack’s JackPhone starts to gurgle, and Jack realizes that he’s got an incoming phone call. He shakes the phone several times to get the excess water out of it, and surprisingly, it still works. It’s Chloe. Jack explains the situation to her, and that they’re now in Canada chasing after the Marwans. Chloe tells Jack that they better get out of Canada soon, because if they’re caught, the US government will have a hard time explaining what they’re doing up there.

3:20 – The group runs into a clearing, and they see the abandoned Hokey Pokey Toilet Company truck. Next to it, there are two guys having a beer, pointing out features on the truck. One of them turns and says, “How’s it going, eh?” Jack pulls his gun out and tells them to get down on the ground. The other guy punches the first and says, “I told you we shouldn’t have look at this thing here! You hoser! We could be back at camp drinking a beer, eh?” They completely ignore Jack as they argue with each other. Jack figures that they must not be with the Marwans, so he lowers his gun.

3:22 am – The two guys introduce themselves as brothers Bob and Doug. Jack asks if they saw anyone else come through the area. Doug tells him that a bunch of guys came through, and he heard them say they were going to head to Saskatchewan and then take a left. Curtis comes back around from the other side of the truck and says that it’s empty, but he has RoboEdgar loaded up in back since he’s really filthy. Jack thanks the brothers, and they drive off in the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company truck.

3:24 am – A cell phone on the dash board of the Marwan brother’s car rings, and Marwan picks it up. It’s the Hollywood-Looking Terrorist Guy (HLTG). HLTG starts yelling at Marwan for diverting from the plan. Marwan waits until HLTG is finished, and then tells him that after he’s done with Jack Bauer, he’ll be out to find HLTG for botching up bring him back from the dead. HLTG hurriedly hangs up the phone.

3:26 am – Marwans drive over the word “Canada”, a white line, and then the words “United States”. They pass a sign with the words “Welcome to North Dakota” written on it.

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3:32 am – Jack and Curtis are stopped at a border check point. A customs officer says she is very surprised to see that they’re not carrying illegal toilets, but that they do have a very messy RoboEdgar in the back of the truck. Curtis says that they should have had RoboEdgar fly the Wienermobile with them, because it would have been a lot easier to get through the border crossing.

RoboEdgar wanders over the border and back again while he’s waiting for them to finish. The customs officer asks that he not do that. She asks for Jack’s license and registration, and Jack flashes his CTU badge. RoboEdgar wanders over the border and back again. She pulls a gun on RoboEdgar who seems completely oblivious to it. She yells to Jack that RoboEdgar has to stop that. Jack yells back to ask why she pulled a gun, and she tells him that they are required to pull guns on dirty double crossers.

3:35 am – The Marwans drive further south into North Dakota, and one of the thugs asks why there’s a “North Dakota” and “South Dakota” but no “North Minnesota” and “South Minnesota”. Another thug punches him in the arm and tells him not to upset Marwan.

3:37 am – Curtis and Jack finally straighten everything out with the customs agents, and are allowed to enter the United States with RoboEdgar. They finally convinced the customs agents by telling them the amount of beer RoboEdgar could consume, and doing a quick back-of-the-envelope calculation about how long it would take for Canada to run out of beer.

3:40 am – A police officer comes up to Manilow’s cell and tells him that he’s finally free to go. Manilow tries to walk out of the cell but forgets to turn his head; the headdress gets caught on the bars on either side of the doorway, and he lands flat on the ground.

The police officer helps him up. Manilow takes off the headdress as he’s leaving the building and walks up to a limousine that he assumes is for him. A window rolls down. Manilow looks in, says, “YOU!” and before he knows it he’s pulled through the window and into the limo. The limo’s tires squeal as it drives off.

3:44 am – Chloe calls Jack and tells him that she has more information about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company. From what she’s been able to tell, it’s a subsidiary of the “Bada Bing Fireworks Conglomerate”. She tells Jack that the head of that company is none other than Bada Bing KaChing, the guy they saw in San Francisco. She says that CTU is still looking for him, and that besides the whole lo-lo toilet scam, they’re apparently trying to booby trap the tourist sites to cause a lot of damage and casualties. That was probably why the Marwans attempted a nuclear weapon detonation at The Herald Hunt earlier that day, and the attempts at the Grand Canyon, and Niagara Falls.

3:46 am – Just as the Marwans pass into South Dakota, Marwan tells Julian to pull the car over because he wants to try something. The thugs in the back seat get really wide-eyed and look worried. Marwan gets out of the car, and crosses over into a field where there are a bunch of cows just standing there. He pushes really hard on one and it falls over. He turns and yells back to Julian, “Did you see that? I’ve always wanted to try that!” The cow stands up and snorts. Marwan looks at the cow, and realizes it’s not a cow at all – it’s a bull! He runs for the car and barely gets inside as the bull smashes against the car. Julian is able to pull away from the curb and tells Marwan not to try something like that again.

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3:53 am – Julian and Marwan are talking. Marwan says, “So you’re honestly telling me, they have perfectly good mountains in this country, and they’re carving into them? They not only carving into them, but putting giant faces on them? What kind of a crazy country is this?” Julian says that they’ve arrived, and they need to hurry up. Everyone gets out of the car and they start running up a path to the mountain.

3:55 am – Through Curtis’ amazing driving skills, the truck arrives just moments after the Marwans and the thugs disappear up the path. They all get out to look around, but don’t see anything except the car the Marwans left behind.

3:57 am – Curtis tells Jack that they’re going to need to find some lights to see what they’re doing. They go over to a building. The door is locked, so Jack kicks the door in. They go further inside and find an electrical panel. They throw the switch, and lights go on outside. They’re at Mount Rushmore.

3:59 am – “It’s very quiet. Almost TOO quiet”, says Curtis. Jack tells him to shut up and listen. They hear a noise. They look around. Jack scans everything with his Jack Binoculars. Curtis yells, “Oh, yuck!” Lincoln has a booger hanging out his nose! Jack zooms in on Lincoln’s noise with the Jack Binoculars. He says, “That’s no booger! That’s toilet hanging from explosive detonation cord!”

4:00 am – Time’s up!

Last time: RoboEdgar came in for a landing at Area 51, where Jack and Curtis met a mysterious guy named Fox. Fox flew them to Las Vegas, where they searched for sign of the Marwans. Ex-president Manilow went to Las Vegas to escape from his troubles in LA, just in time to get punched in the nose by Barry Manilow. Chloe told Jack and Curtis that the Marwans might have headed up to the Grand Canyon. Jack and Curtis “borrowed” the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile to get there, since they didn’t have a working car of their own.

And…. What about Naomi?

The following occurred between 2 am and 3 am, and that’s our story, so we’re sticking to it.

2:00 am – Curtis and Jack are clearly having a good time freaking out people that are driving down the highway. Curtis making siren noises using the loud speaker, and Jack snaps pictures using the camera in the Jackphone as people pull over. Jack tells Curtis he’s going to make a collage of all the pictures for his office at CTU when this is all over. They both decide that they better concentrate on getting to the Grand Canyon after they nearly destroy a bridge they only barely pass under.

2:02 am – Marwan, Julian and the remaining thugs have unpacked the car, and the thugs are carrying a large metal box as they make their way through the forest. They sneak up to a security station at the entrance of the park and find a sleeping guard in the booth. Marwan can’t resist writing “Ask me about my nap” on the guard’s forehead. They make their way past the security station and go further into the park.

2:04 am – Chloe gets a phone call from the guards at the front entrance of CTU, and they ask her to sign someone in. Chloe asks why they’re calling her, and they tell her that she’s the closest thing to someone in charge at this time of night.

2:06 am – Manilow, still staggering around after getting punched in the nose, wanders out of the hotel and onto the Las Vegas strip. A bunch of people are in the parking lot and there are several police cars there. Manilow sees the police and starts to head in the other direction when one of the officers flags him down. One of the midnight shows at the hotel is just letting out now, and the parking lot is getting a lot more crowded. Even the band and some of the showgirls come outside to see what’s going on.

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2:11 am – Jack calls Chloe to find out if she has any additional information. She tells him that Bill is back and he’s taking over for Madam Haig again. Chloe also tells him that she has some infrared satellite imagery that shows there is some activity around the Grand Canyon. She tells them it’s going to be a little tough for them to see what’s going on because there are so few lights around the Grand Canyon at night.

2:12 am – Chloe hands the phone to Bill, who asks Jack why they haven’t arrived at the Grand Canyon yet, since Curtis is usually such a fast driver. Jack decides not to tell Bill about their escapades on the highway, says that the connection is breaking up and hangs up.

2:14 am – The Marwan brothers direct some of thugs to move the box they’re carrying into the center of a large, flat, open area, while several others remain behind. It’s very dark, so we can only see the outlines. Julian walks up to one of the thuggish outlines and explains in great detail how he wants them to go man a helicopter that supposed to be nearby. Marwan calls his brother over and points out that Julian has spent the last several minutes talking to a tree.

2:16 am – The police question Manilow, who seems none too happy to be there. One of the people in the parking lot finds something on the ground. Manilow sees his chance. He sneaks up behind one of the showgirls, pulls off her headdress and puts it on himself. The cap slips over his eyes and he slowly starts trying to move away from the scene, thinking that he has the perfect disguise.

2:18 am – Jack and Curtis arrive at the guard station, just as the guard wakes up. Jack asks about the unique tattoo on the guard’s forehead, but the guard has no idea what he’s talking about. In fact, he seems really determined to let Jack and Curtis know, in no uncertain terms, that the Grand Canyon Park is closed, trying to act really intimidating. During this fit of security guard machoness, Jack flashes his CTU badge, pulls out his gun, and tells the guard that the park just re-opened. The guard quickly agrees. They take the guard with them as they enter the park.

2:20 am – Jack and Curtis make their way through the park’s pathways. They look around and don’t see anything unusual. They pass by a visitor station which is under construction except for the bathrooms, which are open. Curtis excuses himself, and goes in. About three seconds later, we hear Curtis yell. He’s completely disgusted to find out the toilets are the 0.8 gallon models.

2:21 am – Jack’s phone rings. It’s Chloe. She said that RoboEdgar should be nearby, because they just received a message from one of the Department of Natural Resources rangers that a giant robot just attacked a campsite, but took nothing but ‘Smores.

Jack says that doesn’t really help him find out where the Marwan brothers are. Chloe tells him that if he would have let her finish, she would have been able to tell him that they just got a series of demands from the Marwans. Jack says go ahead and finish, so Chloe tells him, “OK, that’s better. We just got a series of demands from the Marwans”. From the look on Chloe’s face, if Jack had been there, she would have tasered him.

2:22 am – Jack is still trying to talk to Chloe when there’s a very loud noise, and RoboEdgar drops in for a landing. Jack asks RoboEdgar, “Have you seen the Marwans? Go find the Marwans!” Chloe tells Jack, “Why don’t you ask him if they fell down a well so you can follow him? He’s not Lassie, Jack!” RoboEdgar finishes the last of a ‘Smore and shrugs his shoulders.

2:23 am – Jack asks what the demands are, and Chloe says, “They want you to go out to a large box they have out there. It’s supposed to have further instructions.” Jack asks how they got the message to CTU, and Chloe said that they had rigged some sort of advertisement to pop up on her screen while she was surfing the public internet for information about how everything is connected. She said that she had to close the window about 57 times for it to finally go away.

2:24 am – The group makes their way to the end of the pathway they were standing on. There’s an eerie silence, and in the distance they can see a plain box in the middle of a field. Jack says that there’s something weird going on, and Curtis asks him yet again if he’s been paying any attention at all to what’s been happening during this whole day. Jack says, “That’s not what I mean….. Isn’t this supposed to be a lookout point for the Grand Canyon? Where did the canyon go??”

2:26 am – The guard that’s with them looks at them like they’re morons. The guard tells them that they cover the Grand Canyon up at night so that it doesn’t get dirty. The flat field they’ve been looking at is actually a giant tarp that’s stretched over the canyon, and that box is sitting out in the middle of it. Jack tells RoboEdgar to stay with the guard, and turns on a portable flashlight. Jack and Curtis start to make their way to the box in the distance.

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2:32 am – Jack and Curtis are pretty close to the box now, so Jack’s pulled out his JackPhone, presses a few buttons and waves it towards the box. He tells Curtis that there aren’t and radiation readings coming from the box, so they’re safe. Curtis tells Jack that they’re standing in the middle of a tarp stretched over the Grand Canyon, and that this must be some strange definition of the word “safe” that he wasn’t previously aware of. Jack tells Curtis he’s been reading too much “Hitchhiker’s Guide to the Galaxy” and asks him to help open the box.

2:33 am – They lift the lid off the wooden crate after a bit of trouble, and discover a 0.8 gallon toilet inside the box, and recoil in horror. There’s a note inside that says, “Goodbye, Mr. Bauer”. Curtis asks what that noise is, and Jack realizes that while they’re completely safe from any sort of radiation poisoning, they’re distinctly unsafe from the large amount of explosives packed around the toilet in the box.

2:34 am – Jack and Curtis start to make a run for the edge of the canyon, and a Black Bad-Guy Helicopter comes out of nowhere, shining a light right at Jack and Curtis. It starts shooting its guns and either through luck or incredibly bad aim, the bullets aren’t coming anywhere near them. Curtis starts to laugh and tells Jack that the pilots need some remedial “Bad Guy on the Shooting Range” time, and Jack says that they’re not trying to shoot at them – they’re shooting that the toilet packed with explosives.

Jack pulls out his gun and starts shooting at the guy manning the machine gun on the helicopter. The guy gets hit in the shoulder, and falls out of the helicopter. He hits the tarp, and bounces back up again. Curtis says, “Lucky for him that tarp is springy”. The guy flies all the way back up to the helicopter, and right into the blades, cutting him into bad guy cold cuts. Jack tells Curtis that he’s not going to be able to eat at a deli for a while, and Curtis agrees.

2:36 am – Another thug goes to the opposite side of the helicopter to continue to shoot. This guy has a lot better aim. A bullet hits the toilet box that is packed with explosives. It blows up, sending the toilet high into the air, narrowly missing the helicopter. The tarp buckles and begins to fall down into the canyon.

The helicopter circles as the thug at the gun turns his attention to Jack and Curtis, who are now frantically trying to get off the tarp back onto solid ground. The thug gets them in his gun sights. At this moment, gravity rears its ugly head and the previously carefree and airborne toilet decides to come in for a landing, right through the top of the helicopter. The last thing we see before the helicopter explodes is the toilet sitting in the seat that had moments before been occupied by the gunner.

2:38 am – Jack and Curtis just make it to the edge, as the tarp they had just been running on descends into the Grand Canyon, parts of it in flames where the helicopter went down. The guard doesn’t look at all pleased with this situation and asks how in the heck he’s going to explain what happened here. Jack pats him on the shoulder and tells him to tell the truth, because he’s sure that someone will believe him.

2:44 am – Jack calls CTU to tell Bill what happened. Bill asks, “Who is this really?” which makes Jack a bit upset. Bill tells him to calm down, and that it was obviously a trap set by the Marwan brothers, Jack says, “NO! You think?” and rolls his eyes.

2:45 – Bill tells Jack that Chloe has a satellite tracking the Marwans. They’ve gotten a hold of an airplane on the other side of the canyon. Bill says, “Through an amazingly complicated computer algorithm, good old fashioned detective work, and some plain out right lucky guesses, Chloe has determined that they’re headed to another great national treasure, Niagara Falls.” Jack points out that technically Niagara Falls is shared by the United States and Canada, and Bill tells him that he knows that, but that would have ruined his little speech.

2:46 – Chloe presses the speaker button on the CTU phone, and tells Jack that she thinks that she knows what the Marwans are up to. They’re trying to destroy popular places where crowds gather, while at the same time trying to keep people pre-occupied with low-low low-flush toilets. If people are busy trying to flush toilets all the time, and others are standing in line waiting, riots are going to start breaking out all over the country. Everything will go into complete chaos. Chloe says that it sounds every bit as crazy as a Schoenberg concert. Jack says that it doesn’t sound like much of a plan. Chloe adds that in the midst of all this, they’re trying to kill Jack too. Jack says he doesn’t like that plan either.

2:47 – Chloe suggests that RoboEdgar fly Jack and Curtis to Niagara Falls to head off the Marwans. Curtis looks none too pleased by this turn of events, and doesn’t want anything to do with it. Before Curtis realizes what’s happening, RoboEdgar grabs both Jack and Curtis, blasts off and head for Niagara Falls.

Just as they disappear into the night sky, several Department of Natural Resources trucks pull up, some officers get out, and the security guard starts to try to explain everything that just happened.

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2:51 am – Curtis and Jack arrive at Niagara Falls, in incredibly good time, even for this show. RoboEdgar lands at a railing right near the falls, and nearly slips almost dragging them all in. Jack suggests to RoboEdgar that he get some better shoes. Curtis wonders if they make sneakers that big.

2:52 am – Jack and Curtis look around, trying to figure out what the Marwans are up to. Curtis says it would probably help them a lot if they could find someone to turn off the water to the falls for a while.

There are a lot of lights on turned on, even this early in the morning and it doesn’t take them too long to realize that something is going on at the top of the Falls.

2:54 am – Two groups of thugs are trying to balance on a wire that’s stretched across Niagara Falls. They’re walking on one wire from the opposite side of the Falls while holding on to a wire above them. Each group tries to carry a toilet between them. A toilet that looks very much like the one that Jack and Curtis saw at the Grand Canyon. They’re trying to carry them to hooks in the middle of the bottom wire, just above the rushing water.

Curtis points out that those guys are going to be in a lot of trouble for trying to smuggle a toilet into the country. Jack says that if the bombs explode, it’s going to be really catastrophic for Niagara Falls.

2:56 am – Jack runs to the opposite side, realizes he has to go on the wire because just cutting it will make the bombs drop and will set everything off. Curtis tries to yell for him to stop, but Jack heads out on the wire just as orchestra music wells up very loudly. Curtis turns to tell RoboEdgar to quit messing around with the sound system because today he’s really sick of hearing that happen every time something really dramatic happens.

2:58 am – Jack tries to yell to the thugs that they have to get off the wire right away, but the roar of the water falls is so great that he can’t be heard. Since Jack isn’t carrying anything he makes it to the middle of the line pretty quickly, and looks up to see Marwan with a huge grin on his face, standing at the end of the wire. Marwan waves at Jack, holds up some wire cutters, and cuts the line.

2:59 am – The wire snaps, and two of the thugs immediately go into the water with their toilet. It impacts, and explodes, sending a huge plume of water straight up into the air. The other two thugs, their toilet and Jack are hanging from the top wire. Marwan reaches up, and cuts the top wire.

3:00 am – Time’s up!