Magic Lamp

Last time: Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar chased the Marwan Brothers through the Field museum, and around Chicago. Jack disguised himself in a moustache and beard that he has since found out he can’t remove. Manilow was given the assignment of getting Janosz into the White House. There’s some sort of disturbance going on at the Lincoln Memorial. Julian is running away from it straight to Jack, Curtis and RoboEdgar, who are at the Washington Monument. A problem with the computers at CTU forced Chloe to leave and use the public internet to help Jack.

The following occurred between 6 am and 7 am, and is brought to you with limited commercial interruption through a sponsorship of a kitchen knife product with actors posing as people that are completely astounded that you can cut ACTUAL bread with a knife and get ACTUAL REAL (really!) sliced bread, in the comfort and relative safety (if you don’t count how hazardous knives are) of your own home. Amazing!

We’d like to remind you that no actual bread was hurt in the filming of this show or commercial – stunt bread was used instead.

6:00 am – Pamela wakes up and finds that Bobby is in the shower! The whole thing was… oops, wrong show.

6:00 am – Suddenly, Bob wakes up! Emily asks, “What’s wrong?” Bob turns on a light and explains that he had the strangest dream where he was an innkeeper in… wait, that’s the wrong show too.

6:00 am – RoboEdgar wanders back into the Washington Monument as Jack continues his phone conversation with Chloe. Chloe tells Jack (ok, we’re back to the right show) that she’s found a website on the Internet that has information that might help him. Chloe tells Jack that she entered some of the things that have been happening all day into Google, and a certain weblog came up. Jack asks her what words she used. She tells him that entering “Marwan Brothers” into Google, she came up with the Dave Barry weblog. She tells Jack that she didn’t think that was anything useful, so she entered “bada bing kaching fireworks” and it came up with the Dave Barry weblog again! She tells Jack that she even tried: “squirrels exploding toilets snakes”, and it STILL came up with the Dave Barry weblog.

6:03 am – Jack asks Chloe if there’s something on that website that can help them with the situation there in. Chloe says, “It’s a weblog, not a website! You are just so web 1.0.” Jack asks what a “weblog” is, and Chloe tells him to get with the program. Chloe says, “Everyone has a weblog! Even I have a weblog”. Jack says, “Right now, I don’t care what kind of ‘web-thingie’ it is, all I want to know is, can it help us?” Chloe does a little more checking, and tells Jack that somehow all the events from yesterday and today are all chronicled on the Dave Barry weblog already, but she’s not really sure how it was done. Chloe says, “From what I can tell, there are a lot of other CTU field agents that must be doing surveillance on what’s happening out in the field, and they’re all posting under aliases to protect their identities. According to this, it appears that the Marwans are in Washington with you right now, over at the Lincoln Memorial, but that’s where it ends.” Jack hangs up and tells Curtis they need to get to the Lincoln Memorial.

6:05 am – Manilow reaches the White House guard house with Janosz. Manilow leans over to Janosz and says, “I have a plan.” The guard asks for an ID as they approach, and says, “Snap it up, will ya? We just flew in. We’re tired. We’re hungry. We have this stupid car…” Janosz looks like he’s going to freak out at the tactic that Manilow has taken.

The guard looks at Manilow’s ID, and gets an astonished look on his face. The guard tells Manilow that he and his guest can pass, and they start walking up the driveway to the White House. Manilow tells Janosz, “See? I told you it would work!”

6:07 am – Audrey still in a daze from being locked in a cage at the zoo, wanders aimlessly down the street. A mugger wielding a knife pulls her into an alley, and we hear a loud scream. Audrey comes walking out of the alley, and we see the would-be mugger sitting on the ground, twitching, repeating the words, “The horror! The horror!” over and over to himself.

6:09 am – Jack and Curtis jog towards the memorial, along with a few other joggers who are out for a morning run. Thankfully, Curtis is back into his regular clothes after having worn the King Tut costume for most of the last hour. They see a jogger running right towards them, but he looks startled and makes a left turn before they can get to him. Curtis reminds Jack that jogging with a gun waving around in his hand is not probably the best thing he can be doing right now. Jack puts the gun away.

6:12 am – As Jack and Curtis pass by 18th street, Julian views them from the bushes he’s hiding in. He makes a phone call to Hollywood. Julian tells Hollywood that the plan has gone horribly wrong, that he just missed getting caught by Jack Bauer, and that he needs a car to get out of there right away. Hollywood tells him to calm down. Julian tells Hollywood that HE should calm down, because HIS brother didn’t just turn into a zombie and start killing people. Hollywood tells Julian to go to a public place and call when he gets there.

6:14 am – Audrey pauses on the streets, not quite sure of where she’s headed. She looks in a shop window, and she sees 20 squirrels all staring at her. Audrey backs up, trips over a garbage can, gets back up and runs screaming down the street. The squirrels in the shop window have now all changed to weather men, since the commercial ended and the TVs are all back to the same morning news program.

6:16 am – Jack and Curtis make their way to the Lincoln Memorial, which is covered by a huge canvas tarp which reads, “Renovation sponsored by The Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”. There are trucks, motorcycles and bicycles where the construction workers have parked while the work on the memorial. Jack tells Curtis, “Be very very quiet”. Curtis says, “We’re hunting wabbits?” Jack ignores this, pulls out his gun, and walks up the steps to the Lincoln Memorial. Curtis follows.

6:19 am – Jack and Curtis slip under the canvas tarp, and look around. There is construction equipment everywhere, along with quite an assortment of dead bodies. The dead bodies seem to be missing parts of their heads, where it looks like something tried to eat part of their brains. Curtis thinks this is completely disgusting, and nearly throws up. Jack says this reminds him of what happened after Audrey’s last dinner party, and that pushes Curtis over the edge – he runs back outside and does throw up.

6:21 am – Jack takes a more careful look at the bodies, and realizes that among the construction workers, there are also men in suits who appear to be executives. One of the bodies is clutching a folder which Jack bends down and looks at. It’s labeled “Hokey Pokey Toilet Company”.

6:23 am – Audrey, who thinks squirrels are chasing her, runs down the street, screaming. After she runs past the 23rd Starbucks on this street alone, she looks behind her, and doesn’t see any squirrels. She realizes that she’s thirsty and hungry after everything that’s happened today, so she looks in her purse to see if she has any money to buy something from the coffee shop. Her purse contains three Pez dispensers, an ATM card, and a sonic screwdriver from a doctor she briefly dated a couple of hours ago (that’s another story), but no cash. She decides to try to find a bank, and goes off in search of one.

6:22 am – Jack calls Curtis back in. Curtis makes Jack swear that he never mention Audrey’s cooking again, which he does. Jack reads from the folder while Curtis looks around a little more. Jack says that it is a master plan of how the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company plans on pushing legislation through Congress, how it plans to install low-low-flow toilets all over the country, and its connections with terrorist organizations that will take over the country once all the toilet installations are complete.

6:25 am – Jack gets to a section of the document that discusses plans on marketing the new low-low-flow toilets. Jack tells Curtis, “It says here that they want to try to win over the American public through clever jingles and by creating a lovable figure at the Lincoln Memorial. UGH! I’m NOT going to tell you what their jingle is; let’s just say it’s a play on the words to the Hokey Pokey, it involves toilets, and leave it at that.”

Curtis says, “Uh, Jack?”

Jack ignores him, and says, “Well, at least they have a “Shake It All About” shield. Disgusting! Anyway, I have to wonder what they’re planning here at the Memorial? We’re going to have to figure out what happened to these people too.”

Curtis says, “JACK!”

Jack says, “What is it? Can’t you see…” Jack looks in the direction Curtis is shining a flashlight. The construction workers were in the process of replacing the statue of Lincoln with an exact duplicate – except it’s sitting on a giant Hokey Pokey Toilet.

6:28 am – They hear a noise coming from near the top of the new statue. Curtis shines the light up to the top. We can see Marwan, his eyes glazed over in white, and he’s trying to gnaw at the head of the statue, trying to get at the brains inside of it. Instantly, Jack starts shooting at Marwan, who doesn’t seem to notice at first, despite getting hit with several bullets. Marwan looks up, and says, “Jack Bauer! How nice of you to attend my breakfast buffet! If I knew you…”

Curtis interrupts, “…were coming you would have baked a cake?”

Marwan continues, “… were going to be here, I would have saved you a spot! Sorry, but I think it’s time for me to leave!” He slides down the back of the statue, out of sight.

6:28 am – Jack reloads his gun as he and Curtis move towards the back of the statue. When they get there, they see an open door behind the statue that leads to the outside. Marwan is gone. Jack and Curtis run to the parking lot, each jump on a motorcycle, which just happen to conveniently have keys in their ignitions. They start the motorcycles, and head north, still searching for where Marwan went.

6:33 am – Manilow and Janosz have actually made their way into the White House, where they’re walking the halls. Manilow attempts to help Janosz speak with less of an accent. Manilow says, “Listen, we’ll have to make up a name for you. Uh… Try ‘Thomas Lennox’. Try saying that.”

Janosz says, “Tomax Lennos. Tomax Lennos.”

6:36 am – Julian is outside of the National Aquarium on a pay phone, speaking with Hollywood. Hollywood tells Julian that he’s going to have to change his name to something non-descript, and go into hiding until they can figure out a plan. Julian thinks a minute, and says, “How about ‘Hamir Al-Assad’? Is that a good name?” Hollywood says, “Sure… If you’re trying to blend in, in the Mideast! That’s not going to work here!” Julian says that he likes the name and is going to keep it, and asks Hollywood to get a car to the National Aquarium immediately.

6:38 am – Jack and Curtis still haven’t been able to find Marwan, so they start to head east. They get a little way down the road, and Curtis notices that the man on the pay phone just up the street has a striking resemblance to Julian. Jack tells him that is only because it IS Julian. Jack speeds up his motorcycle and starts to shoot!

6:38 am (later on that same minute) – Julian sees Jack down the street shooting at him, and runs up the steps to the front door of the aquarium. Jack misses. Julian shoots the glass, and doesn’t even slow down and keeps running as the glass shatters all around him.

6:39 am – Jack continues to drive at stop speed into the Aquarium foyer, where he skids to a halt. Julian has disappeared at the top of a second set of steps. Jack revs the engine, and speeds to the top of the stairs.

6:40 am – Unfortunately, there’s an observation station at the top of the stairs where people can view the tank of a huge shark. Jack doesn’t see this until he barrels over the top of the stars. The front wheel of his motorcycle hits the edge of the observation wall in just the right way so that Jack and his motorcycle hit everything perfectly to jump the shark.

Jack lands on the other side of the tank with just inches to spare. Jack gets off his motorcycle and chases after Julian.

6:41 am – Julian races through the aquarium, and runs through one of the exits. A car pulls up and screeches to a halt. Julian opens the passenger door, jumps in, and yells, “Drive! Drive!” The car’s tires squeal, and it drives off.

6:42 am – Jack bursts through the exit, just in time to see the car drive off. Curtis rounds the building on his motorcycle, and Jack waves him over. He tells Curtis to give him the motorcycle so that he can go after the car. Jack gets on the motorcycle and heads after the car. Curtis runs into the building to get the other motorcycle.

Julian takes a deep breath, ready to yell at the driver, and realizes it’s his brother, Marwan! Marwan does NOT look in any shape to drive, or do much of anything else. He’s gotten considerably paler, and has blood all over him. He turns to Julian and says, “I have the car packed with explosives to defeat Bauer! Brother, join me for life eternal!” Marwan’s maniacal grin is too much for even Julian. Julian opens the passenger door, and jumps out the door as they round a corner! Julian falls out and rolls into some bushes.

6:44 am – Jack rounds the corner, sees the car, but doesn’t see that Julian has jumped out of it. The car continues down the road into an area where they’re doing road construction work. Jack gets on the phone and talks with Curtis as he’s driving to let him know what’s happening.

6:45 am – Jack leans forward on the motorcycle and speeds up. He pulls out a gun and starts shooting, just as the car heads into a construction area, where they’ve unloaded a steam roller that’s doing pothole work further up the road. Several 18-wheelers, a truck carrying plate glass, and an ice cream supply truck, are making their way around either side of the really huge pothole, but they all are currently stopped for a moving company that is working on taking a piano out of a second story window. One of the construction workers has a radio playing. It happens to be turned to WOMI Radio (motto: “Supplying all your ominous foreshadowing music needs”).

Marwan swerves to get out of the way of all the traffic in front of him, only to see traffic from the oncoming lane headed straight for him. He turns to avoid the traffic and the tires on one side of the car hit a small ramp being used to unload supplies from a truck on the side of the road. Marwan’s car goes up on two wheels as it continues to speed down the road. Jack stops the motorcycle, takes careful aim, and shoots the gas tank of the car. The gas tank explodes which sends Marwan’s car high into the air, end over end.

The men with the piano see the car flying through the air, so they make a run for it. The car goes straight through the piano, taking out the lower half of it. Amazingly, it continues to hang from its rope. The car starts to descend, coming close to hitting another truck, this one labeled “ACME Anvils and Ball Bearings”. The truck swerves out of control, sending anvils and ball bearings all over the road. Trucks and cars are spinning everywhere. Marwan’s car spins 180 degrees, and we can see that Marwan is still behind the wheel smiling at Jack, just as a stray anvil goes zooming through the driver’s side of the windshield. The force from the anvil hitting the car is so great that the car lurches backwards right into the huge pothole, making Marwan’s flaming car disappear from view.

Things start to calm down for a few seconds as people scramble to get out of their trucks and cars and to get out of the way. Jack pulls the motorcycle up to the edge of the scene, just as we see Marwan climbing out of the hole! Marwans slips on a couple of the ball bearings, but regains his footing as he pulls out his gun, and tells Jack, “You can’t defeat me!”

Jack raises his gun, and shoots the rope holding the remains of the piano, and which crashes right on top of Marwan, sending him back into the pothole. There’s another loud explosion from what’s left of Marwan’s car. Jack takes several steps towards the pothole, and we see the flaming figure of Marwan start to climb up out of the pothole again!

Jack rolls his eyes and says, “Oh, come ON!” He looks to the side and sees the plate glass truck, which until this point has come through unscathed. He decides to scathe it. Jack shoots at the truck, sending glass fragments everywhere. A very large glass shard slides off the truck and appears to go through Marwan at an angle, but Marwan is still standing! Marwan looks down at himself, starts to laugh, and says, “I’m invincible!”

Marwan raises his gun towards Jack, and says, “Good bye, Mr. Bauer!” He stops suddenly, looks down and says, “Oh oh…”. The top half of Marwan slides off diagonally and rolls into the pothole, leaving his bottom half standing there for a second until it falls into the hole too. Another huge explosion from Marwan’s car sends the ice cream supply truck high into the air.

Jack says, “Goodbye, Marwan”, and shoots the controls at the rear of the asphalt truck. The truck dumps all of its asphalt into the hole, completely covering everything. A huge pile of whipped cream from the ice cream supply truck drops right on top of the asphalt, followed by a the contents of several barrels of sprinkles. A single cherry falls from the sky, and lands right in the middle of the whipped cream.

Jack gets off his motorcycle and tells Curtis that he thinks they’ve finally gotten the Marwans.

6:47 am – Manilow rounds a corner in the White House and comes face to face with Agent Aaron Pierce! Manilow gets a surprised look on his face. He also gets Aaron’s fist planted in his face too. Manilow falls to the ground, and more agents round the corner. In the commotion, Janosz sneaks off down the hallway, and finds an empty office. He closes the door, and starts setting himself up as if he’s always been there.

6:49 am – Curtis is with Jack at the site of the Marwan’s demise. Curtis asks where the Marwan brothers are, and Jack points to the freshly covered pothole. Jack calls Chloe, and tells her that the Marwans are dead, and about the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company plot. She tells Jack that Bill has already ordered raids of all branches of the company, along with getting a judge to order that all their assets be frozen, and that RoboEdgar has been ordered home. Jack tells her that she did great work today, and that he and Curtis are headed home too.

From a distance, we see Julian on the phone, telling Hollywood that he escaped. He tells Hollywood, “I’m going to get Jack Bauer if it’s the last thing I do”.

6:52 am – Jack tells Curtis that they should get something to eat. Curtis agrees, and tells Jack that he knows of a 24-hour Chinese restaurant that has high-brow karaoke. Jack looks at Curtis like he’s crazy, but Curtis convinces him to go.

6:54 am – Audrey finds a bank. The door is a bit stuck, but she forces it open, and it closes with a loud click behind her. She looks for an ATM, and realizes there isn’t one, so she tries to leave. She starts screaming, but nobody hears her. She’s stuck in there until someone opens up the bank. She settles down and waits for the bank to open so she can conduct her business in some peace and quiet. After all, what could happen while she’s at the bank?

6:56 am – Jack and Curtis enter the Wing Sing Dining Thing restaurant. There’s a very large woman singing in another part of the restaurant. Jack and Curtis order their food. Jack excuses himself, telling Curtis he has to use the little CTU agent’s room.

6:57 am – Jack enters the Men’s bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. He briefly attempts to pull the fake beard and mustache off of his face, but it’s still firmly glued there. Jack opens one of the bathroom stalls, and goes in. He turns to close the door, and then quickly turns around again to face the toilet. It’s a low-low-flow toilet from the Hokey Pokey Toilet Company! Jack says, “Oh, no…” just as he gets hit in the head from behind. He falls over. Several Chinese men tie Jack up, grab him by the hands and feet, and carry him out of the bathroom, through the kitchen, and out the back door. The Chinese ambassador is standing next to a limousine with its trunk wide open. They throw Jack into the trunk and slam it shut. The ambassador tells the driver that he wants the entire limousine sent back on the boat, and to not let Jack out of the trunk until they’ve reached China. The limousine drives off. The ambassador gets into another car, and drives off with that too.

6:59 am – Curtis realizes that Jack has been gone a little too long, and goes into the men’s room. The bathroom is empty. He checks the bathroom stalls. He sees that the Jackphone is on the floor next to the low-low-flow toilet and realizes what must have happened, just as the lady in the restaurant stops singing.

7:00 am – That’s all folks!

Thanks to Dave Barry and Judi Smith for letting me post these episodes on the weblog and to everyone that read the story over the last 24 weeks.

Thanks also to my wife Mary and to my friend John, both of whom many good suggestions (and corrections) for many of these episodes.